I’ve been a friend of Cody’s for a few years now, and stood alongside him through his extremely difficult journey of “coming out of religion”. Cody’s story is no ordinary one, however, and he has asked me to write and share it on his behalf.
Cody is a 50 year old trans man (assigned female at birth, identifies as male). He also has cerebral palsy (CP) and lives in an assisted living house with 24/7 care. He’s also adopted. His adoptive family are fundamentalist pentecostal Christians. He’s a survivor of sexual abuse, as a baby and on through childhood and as an adult. He suffered a range of physical and psychological abuses as a teenager in the care of Wilson Home in Auckland, and on into adult life. All of this created a “perfect storm” for serious mental health issues.
His journey, then, has been that of leaving abusive religion, facing a complete lack of love at any stage in his life, coming to terms with his gender identity, and finding who he really is, all exacerbated by his CP.
Although his adoptive parents had the best of intentions, and tirelessly provided for his physical wellbeing, they were incapable of providing him with the genuine, unconditional love he desperately needed as a young child and on through the rest of his life. The reasons for this are, of course, complex, but the most damaging has been the religious indoctrination present in the pentecostal church, which was echoed in his family life.
He was constantly made aware of his sinful nature, and as he grew he was pushed more and more to be “responsible” for sinful thoughts and actions in a way that constantly destroyed any sense of self-worth, which was pretty much non-existent from the start anyway.
He was sexually abused by an older adopted brother at the age of 12. His family did what they could to some extent, but much of the blame went on him and they eventually brushed it all under the carpet of family shame. This was the event that led them to placing him in full time care, to ostensibly give some space between him and his brother. His brother went on to be convicted of multiple rapes and has spent many years in prison.
This is just the tip of the iceberg though. Every aspect of his religious family upbringing dealt blow after blow of self loathing, inadequacy and failure, leading to behaviours that echo the desperate need for love that was never met – depression, anxiety, psychosis, self harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders… the fact that he’s survived this long is a testimony to his dogged resilience! But as you can imagine, the cost has been catastrophic.
He’s recently taken the massive step to walk away from church and renounce his faith, and to distance himself from his family. He’s decided that making a clean break is the only way to move forward. But this decision hasn’t come easily! To resist the indoctrination of a lifetime of fundamentalism, while still trying to maintain contact with the church community and friends, is impossible. Walking away from this, in reality, has taken a few years! So many attempts ended in giving in to the pressure, guilt and shame, returning to his abusers in a type of Stockholm Syndrome. The ongoing legacy of this religion will take time to unravel, as the layers of abuse are peeled away, but each layer removed allows love to enter.
So Cody is now free to start his life as a gay man! His dream is to begin physical transitioning, although he recognises the medical difficulties due to his disability.
His passion is to bring to light, the traumatic lives of LGBT+ people with disabilities – the complete lack of support in institutions, the ignorance of sexuality and gender issues within staff and clients, the bullying and shaming and the unwillingness of institutions to even acknowledge the sexual needs of those with disabilities in general. His other passion is helping those with Religious Trauma Syndrome.
You can join him on his journey on LinkedIn and Facebook
