mental health

Mar

2024

Helping loved ones with mental health

Today’s guest post is from Amber at
WriteAboutRecovery.com

It’s especially helpful for those of us trying to support those we love in the Rainbow community suffering from various mental health problems.

Silent Gays is a support and resource project designed to help LGBT+ people who have been through religious abuse deconstruct their beliefs and find healing, self-worth, and their own unique spirituality. Contact us today to learn more!

How to Help Your Loved One Address Mental Health Challenges

Dealing with mental health issues is far from easy. Whether your LGBTI+ loved one is dealing with depression, anxiety, substance abuse, bipolar illness, or other concerns, these conditions may seem daunting, but many can now be treated and managed successfully. The right treatment will provide your loved one with the tools and resources they need to meet their challenges, now and in the future. However, families making these decisions for their loved ones are often overwhelmed by the number of treatment options and amenities offered by different places. Silent Gays shares some key things to consider when selecting help for your loved one.

Staff Certifications

Mental health facilities employ trained and experienced staff who know the best ways to treat and support people on their journeys to wellness. Many treatment programs are run by passionate, empathetic people with big hearts, but these individuals may not have the expertise needed to give your loved one the treatment they need for long-term success.

Narrow your search to facilities that employ licensed social workers and those sensitive to the LGBTI+ community, as well as medical staff—these professionals have completed a Master of Social Work program at an accredited United States university. Even students who take online MSW programs must complete a period of field education, working at a health services agency, to gain real-world experience and skills.

Treatment Types

Many different types of treatment are available. A lot will depend on the issue your loved one is facing. AddictionHelp.com shows that medication-assisted therapy provides promising treatment outcomes, reducing the risk of relapse and preventing overdoses in cases of substance abuse. Some facilities incorporate physical activity, nutrition, or comprehensive therapies into their treatment plans to address more than addiction alone. In cases of depression, some similar methods may be used, and also may be supplemented by holistic therapies.

Simplify Healthy Living

Making smart choices in daily habits plays a crucial role in mental rehabilitation, emphasizing the importance of nutrition and physical activity. Incorporating healthy snacks, such as fruits, nuts, and yoghurt, can nourish the brain and enhance mood stability. Regular exercise, tailored to individual preferences and capabilities, not only boosts physical health but also significantly improves mental well-being by releasing endorphins and reducing stress.

Program Length and Cost

As you search for treatment best suited to your LGBTI+ family member, you’ll come across treatment programs of all lengths. In general, longer treatments tend to be more effective for substance abuse. Unfortunately, many insurance policies only cover about one month of rehab care, so finances can become a problem for many families. If cost is an issue, consider outpatient treatment. In an outpatient facility, your loved one can gain the benefits of long-term treatment without the high cost of inpatient care. It’s also critical that treatment programs incorporate some level of aftercare to help patients avoid relapse after treatment is complete.

Proximity to Friends and Family

While effective treatments and qualified staff play a crucial role in treatment of mental illness, a strong support network is also important. Social support can help people avoid feelings of loneliness and isolation, while providing a greater sense of purpose and optimism for the future. So you can continue providing support and care to your loved one while they go through treatment, try to pick a facility that’s close by.

On the other hand, your loved one may prefer to get far away from the environments and people they associate with difficulties. According to Turning Point of Tampa, there are several environmental influences that can affect recovery from addiction and other issues. For some people, an inpatient center in a calming, natural setting may be a better choice than an outpatient program closer to home. In the end, the best choice for your loved one will depend on their personal preferences—they’ll have the greatest chance of success if they’re in an environment where they feel comfortable and safe.

Provide a Healthy Home Base

While your loved one begins their treatment, consider working on making your home a pleasant place that encourages healthy habits. Start by cleaning and decluttering to remove negative energy. Set up spaces devoted to meditation and exercise, and set a good example by using these spaces for their intended purposes. Make sure your home has plenty of natural light, and open those curtains and blinds during the day. If natural light isn’t a possibility in your home, consider investing in a light therapy box. Your loved one’s doctor may have good suggestions on this, so be sure to check with them.

***

Selecting the best mental health treatment for your LGBTI+ loved one can be a tough process. Be prepared to do plenty of research and ask lots of questions as you seek out the best options for your friend or family member. Remember to consider your loved one’s unique needs and desires to ensure a great fit between them and the treatment program.

Feb

2023

Conversion Therapy Workshops/Seminars

With the recent passing of the bill to ban Conversion Therapy, many are asking exactly what that means.

This workshop explains everything from the basics of what “LGBTI” is; the reason why religion has reviled it and the misunderstanding of biblical texts; what Conversion Therapy is and the damage it causes; what the legislation is all about and how to access support services.

Everyone is welcome, this is all about education and finding hope and help!

I will be running two free workshop/seminars in Auckland:

EVENT RESCHEDULED!

The first seminar in Auckland CBD has been rescheduled due to the cyclone forecast for the region.

New date: Friday 17th Feb, 6:30pm at Ellen Melville Centre, 2 Freyberg Pl, Aukland CBD)

Friday 24th Feb, 6pm at Te Manawa, 11 Kohuhu Lane, Westgate, Auckland

This event is a “safe space”. Abuse in any form will not be tolerated.

Click here for Pride Month event listing

Jul

2022

HELP DESPERATELY NEEDED!

I’m occasionally approached by LGBT+ people in African nations who are utterly desperate to escape.

They have been abused, assaulted, imprisoned, tortured and have nowhere left to turn.

There are LGBT+ support services around the continent, but they are incredibly limited in what they can do. Money is the main factor, but there is also the simple issue that they also put themselves in danger by helping.

Most of us are in western countries, and although we certainly have our fair share of abuse and difficulties, it pales in comparison to places like the African nations.

The main cause of suffering is religion. Even though it may come from a particular society and political regime, religion is still at the core of it. It’s so often been something I feel helpless about, and offering online support, although well meaning, and providing a certain sense of “you are not alone”, is basically useless. Mental health is the least of your problems when you may be tortured or murdered.

Right at this moment, I’m trying to help a guy who’s contacted me, on the edge of suicide, in Tanzania. He is desperate and fears for his life – right now! He’s been a vocal and visual advocate in his country and is paying the price dearly. He has to get out, and is looking for a way urgently. He’s been trying for two years, and although there are organisations who can help, they don’t have the funds or resources to help everyone. There’s just not enough to go around.

I’m going to do all I can for this guy in particular, and hopefully get enough funds to provide immediate help. He’s actually provided a detailed breakdown of every step needed to escape to Kenya, and then relocate as a refugee, and has support from people in Kenya to do this. The amount he needs isn’t even that much ($686US). If you feel like helping, let me know, or just donate through Silent Gays website.

But the big picture is that countless LGBT+ people need our help, instead of endless articles and news items on how tough it is over there. I’m looking for one or two organisations who have a presence on the ground there, to support and I’d appreciate any advice on the most effective ones.

Please – let’s do this before more suffer and die!

Mar

2022

Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

I’ve been a friend of Cody’s for a few years now, and stood alongside him through his extremely difficult journey of “coming out of religion”. Cody’s story is no ordinary one, however, and he has asked me to write and share it on his behalf.

Cody is a 50 year old trans man (assigned female at birth, identifies as male). He also has cerebral palsy (CP) and lives in an assisted living house with 24/7 care. He’s also adopted. His adoptive family are fundamentalist pentecostal Christians. He’s a survivor of sexual abuse, as a baby and on through childhood and as an adult. He suffered a range of physical and psychological abuses as a teenager in the care of Wilson Home in Auckland, and on into adult life. All of this created a “perfect storm” for serious mental health issues.

His journey, then, has been that of leaving abusive religion, facing a complete lack of love at any stage in his life, coming to terms with his gender identity, and finding who he really is, all exacerbated by his CP.

Although his adoptive parents had the best of intentions, and tirelessly provided for his physical wellbeing, they were incapable of providing him with the genuine, unconditional love he desperately needed as a young child and on through the rest of his life. The reasons for this are, of course, complex, but the most damaging has been the religious indoctrination present in the pentecostal church, which was echoed in his family life.

He was constantly made aware of his sinful nature, and as he grew he was pushed more and more to be “responsible” for sinful thoughts and actions in a way that constantly destroyed any sense of self-worth, which was pretty much non-existent from the start anyway.

He was sexually abused by an older adopted brother at the age of 12. His family did what they could to some extent, but much of the blame went on him and they eventually brushed it all under the carpet of family shame. This was the event that led them to placing him in full time care, to ostensibly give some space between him and his brother. His brother went on to be convicted of multiple rapes and has spent many years in prison.

This is just the tip of the iceberg though. Every aspect of his religious family upbringing dealt blow after blow of self loathing, inadequacy and failure, leading to behaviours that echo the desperate need for love that was never met – depression, anxiety, psychosis, self harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders… the fact that he’s survived this long is a testimony to his dogged resilience! But as you can imagine, the cost has been catastrophic.

He’s recently taken the massive step to walk away from church and renounce his faith, and to distance himself from his family. He’s decided that making a clean break is the only way to move forward. But this decision hasn’t come easily! To resist the indoctrination of a lifetime of fundamentalism, while still trying to maintain contact with the church community and friends, is impossible. Walking away from this, in reality, has taken a few years! So many attempts ended in giving in to the pressure, guilt and shame, returning to his abusers in a type of Stockholm Syndrome. The ongoing legacy of this religion will take time to unravel, as the layers of abuse are peeled away, but each layer removed allows love to enter.

So Cody is now free to start his life as a gay man! His dream is to begin physical transitioning, although he recognises the medical difficulties due to his disability.

His passion is to bring to light, the traumatic lives of LGBT+ people with disabilities – the complete lack of support in institutions, the ignorance of sexuality and gender issues within staff and clients, the bullying and shaming and the unwillingness of institutions to even acknowledge the sexual needs of those with disabilities in general. His other passion is helping those with Religious Trauma Syndrome.

You can join him on his journey on LinkedIn and Facebook

Aug

2021

Pray Away – first impressions

I just watched the new Netflix movie Pray Away

I though I’d give some first impressions/reactions before taking some time to consider the deeper implications.

Very powerful, well produced, sensitive and respectful and yet very pointed in it’s premise.

As someone who spent 40 years of their life living this lie, I related to just about everything they presented. I was a desperate young man, looking to understand what was wrong with me and willing to try anything.

I even ended up became a leader in Living Waters, while still living a life of fear, shame and guilt, underscored by depression and suicide ideation. The movie presents this dynamic very intimately through the lives of a few of the key leaders of Exodus.

However, I don’t think it went anywhere near far enough into the complexities of this issue. But perhaps I feel that way because I’ve already worked through so much of it already. I guess the film could be viewed as a wake up call – an introduction that invites us to dig deeper.

For me, it wasn’t just reconciling my sexuality with my faith however. My faith was an integral part of everything I’d experienced, and clinging to Jesus was all that kept me alive. But the destruction ex-gay practices brought on my mind and life also directly affected my beliefs, to the point where they no longer had any validity. This film actually caused me to feel sad for those survivors who still cling to the faith that tried to destroy them. Of course, I know theologies and doctrines that successfully reconcile these issues, but the fact that this could even happen caused me to look outside the box of my dogmas and experiences.

So yeah, great film, and I know many will be inspired and set free by the bravery of those who spoke out. I think it will be a huge catalyst to freeing countless LGBT+ people, and exposing the doctrines of fundamentalist religion.

For me, its brought up some old wounds that need to be addressed, but its also inspired me to keep going deeper, and exposing the entire belief system that allows humans to be treated like this in the first place.

Jun

2021

The Mental Health Dilemma

I thought I’d have a go at doing video blogs!!

So here’s my very first, and hopefully not the last!

Here’s the transcript for your reading pleasure.

The mental health dilemma

“Mental health” has become one of the hottest topics in the world!

There’s little doubt that there are more suicides, greater rates of depression and related issues than any time in recorded history.

Our advances in psychiatry, neurology and related disciplines, has led the way to an incredible depth of understanding around how the mind works at every level. We are learning more about the mechanics of the brain almost daily.

We know for sure that the stresses of the modern world put pressures on us that we simply are not built to handle.

On the other hand, chronically stressful situations (trauma, abuse, war, disease etc) have been part of the human condition since day one, so it’s nothing new.

So are all our new understandings and treatments actually helping?

Good question! And I am yet to find any empirical research on this – assuming it’s even possible to research in the first place.

Personally, I’ve battled with mental health issues all my life – relating to being gay and having ADHD. But these specific issues (and countless others) have only been regarded as problems in more recent times.

There has always been LGBT+ people, and historically, it’s never been regarded as a mental health problem until the advent of psychiatry! Sure, it’s been treated in many weird and wonderful ways, but never in terms of a mental issue that had to be cured.

The same goes for ADHD, even more so! Historically, there were simply people who thought and interacted with the world differently. There wasn’t anything wrong with them, they were just different, usually more creative and eccentric, and were generally given the space to be what they were.

But now, we are so obsessed with creating “normal” people that we apply labels to anything that doesn’t fit this magical “normal” and then do everything we can to fix it.

In our efforts to understand, we’ve created an obsession. Those who don’t fit “normal” become fearful that our labels won’t allow us to function in society – that we’ll be rejected and alienated. We are encouraged to seek help that will somehow make our brains work the same as everyone else’s, building a background of shame that brings even more problems.

I’m not dissing modern psychology and neuro science at all. But I am saying that we’ve created an unreal and destructive precedent.

One of the single most important factors I’ve found when helping others (most notably with LGBT and Neuro-diverse issues) is letting them know they aren’t broken and don’t need fixing.

When this sinks in, it empowers us to make conscious decisions around how much we really want to fit in, and how much we want to simply be how we are, and let the rest of the world get used to it.

For me, finally accepting that I’m gay and that is absolutely OK, empowered me to find my niche – without having to fit into any stereotypes or expectations on either side of the issue.

The same for ADHD – it’s how my brain works. It’s wonderful and creative and allows me to see the world and life in a totally unique way. Once I accepted that (and all the implications) I was empowered to decide how much I wanted to be “normal” or whether it was fine to be me – gloriously eccentric, unorganised and creative, and let the rest of the world figure out how they should respond to that.

Of course, it’s a work in progress. I still succumb to performance anxiety, trying to meet other’s expectations. I catch myself procrastinating because of a deep sense of failure, after being told all my life I don’t do things the “right way”, which causes me to not even try.

But I’m getting better every day!

So my point is this.

Don’t get lost in the labels. Don’t allow fear and shame to drive you into a life of either constant failure and rejection, or an obsession with trying to fit in through endless therapy and drugs.

Despite all the amazing breakthroughs that mental health research has brought, we are still the masters of our own lives. We don’t have to “fit in” just because we’ve been told we have to.

Accept yourself. Be you – gloriously and messily you. And if you feel you need to seek help to function within our dysfunctional society, then that choice is yours – no on else’s!

Jun

2021

Silent Gays is growing!

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

help@silentgays.com

Since starting Silent Gays a few years ago, I’ve mostly spent my time focussing on Facebook groups and messaging, but the reality is it’s a very limited audience and there is a huge need to reach those who don’t want to go on social media to look for help on religious abuse and conversion therapy issues. Privacy and discretion is hard to find on social media at the best of times, and this helps solve that problem!

The new email service is monitored by a small team of volunteers, each with their own areas of expertise, who have been through sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts, and have a passion to help others find a way through the mess.

I’ve also updated the website to focus around the CORE Book and Workbook. These have been the foundation of Silent Gays but have tended to get lost in the mix as it were. The books and the help email now have centre stage on the site.

Please take a few minutes to check out the site and grab a copy of the CORE book (digital formats only – no hardcopies, as yet). If you genuinely can’t afford it, let me know and I’ll send you a voucher for a free copy.

May

2021

Do your beliefs really work?

Does your belief system actually “work”?

Are your spiritual/religious beliefs genuinely beneficial to you, those around you and the rest of the world?

Have you ever stopped to assess this?

Do they bring you real peace and joy, not just “good feelings” or a sense of knowing the “real truth”, but seriously bring a depth that transforms your mental health, brings life and peace to those around you and empowers you to see every single human as unconditionally loved?

Do your beliefs empower you not to discriminate against others on the basis of their beliefs, race, gender or sexuality?

Do your beliefs genuinely transform your troubled mind, still the deep traumas, satisfy the grief, quieten the rage, relieve the depression or sooth the anxiety?

If you answered no, not really, not exactly… then you need to be brave enough to question them – seriously question them.

What do we want from our beliefs? Is there a better way?

Never be afraid to question everything!

May

2021

Too tired to engage

The only way to successfully communicate with fundamentalist Christians is through heart felt empathy – from our part. It seems this is the only way to find a crack in their armour, where they see our humanity, vulnerability and heart.

But I must confess, even then it’s an uphill battle.

Sadly for far too many, it’s too late for us to engage in any meaningful way. So many of us LGBT+ people have decided that we can no longer embrace our faith and are looking for safe spaces to deconstruct.

Many are too afraid to publicly admit that they no longer hold to the traditional Christian theology and doctrines, but remain because they have nowhere else to go!

The church community can be such a strong pull that to walk away feels like dying. They are suffering in a place of complete cognitive dissonance – the “silent gays” – hiding their true identity, living in fear, wearing the mask.

For many LGBT+ people struggling to maintain their faith, they are too tired. They are emotionally damaged to the point where the thought of engaging in the ways that require emotional vulnerability and compassion are just another load on top of what they already carry.

Although I personally try to engage traditionalists with empathy and compassion, I far too often find it exhausting and frustrating. I’m learning to walk away a little more graciously these days, but I have my moments!

This is a huge reality, and causes intense silent suffering. Mental health issues are inevitable and the suicide rate in LGBT+ Christians is horrifically high.

You aren’t alone! Don’t be afraid to reach out to those who have walked away from church. It’s OK to ask taboo questions. It’s OK to deconstruct in whatever way you need. “God” is far bigger than any religion can contain.

Apr

2021

Looking for Survivors

The progress of the Conversion Therapy legislation in New Zealand is looking good.

But we need input from you!

The problem is that “Conversion Therapy” has been presented as something extreme. Recent movies and docos have painted some grim pictures, and rightly so!

But the reality is far more subtle and insidious, and we know there are thousands out there who are unaware that they’ve been subject to religious practices and beliefs that are just as harmful as the full on stuff we’ve seen. Part of this effort involves shifting the term “Conversion Therapy” to SOGICE (Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Change Efforts) as it more accurately describes the the scope of the issue.

Silent Gays will be working with SOGICE survivors and Brave to host some safe, private zoom gatherings to share experiences, learn about the advocacy space, and talk about support.

The first step is presenting three specific questions to help you understand the scope of the practices. These are:

Have you been part of a faith community where you were told that you were broken, disordered or in need of healing because of your gender or sexual identity?
Have you been offered prayer, counselling, pastoral care or rituals which seek to change or suppress your sexual or gender identity?
Have you been part of a formal or informal faith-based program which tried to engage the ‘reasons’ for your gay, bi, lesbian, trans, queer or ace identity or ‘support’ you to live as a straight, cisgender person?

You’ll notice that we aren’t simply asking if you’ve been through some form of conversion therapy. This is simply because most people just don’t think in those terms.

We are looking at ways to ask these questions of the broader community, but I’m putting this out now for your consideration, and by all means, feel free to prepare as detailed a response as you like, or just sit with the idea for now.

There is no pressure, and all information is strictly confidential.

email info@silentgays.com

mental health

Helping loved ones with mental health

Today’s guest post is from Amber at
WriteAboutRecovery.com

How to Help Your Loved One Address Mental Health Challenges

Staff Certifications

Treatment Types

Simplify Healthy Living

Program Length and Cost

Proximity to Friends and Family

Provide a Healthy Home Base

Conversion Therapy Workshops/Seminars

HELP DESPERATELY NEEDED!

Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

Pray Away – first impressions

The Mental Health Dilemma

I thought I’d have a go at doing video blogs!!

The mental health dilemma

Silent Gays is growing!

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

help@silentgays.com

Do your beliefs really work?

Too tired to engage

Looking for Survivors

Latest blogs

The story behind Silent Gays

Pages

Today’s guest post is from Amber at WriteAboutRecovery.com

How to Help Your Loved One Address Mental Health Challenges

Staff Certifications

Treatment Types

Simplify Healthy Living

Program Length and Cost

Proximity to Friends and Family

Provide a Healthy Home Base

I thought I’d have a go at doing video blogs!!

The mental health dilemma

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

Latest blogs

The story behind Silent Gays

Today’s guest post is from Amber at
WriteAboutRecovery.com