Finally… we are getting together face to face (in Auckland)!
Join us this Saturday! A low-key, safe space for sharing and caring.
This week’s main goal – find a catchy name for the group! š
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1st and 3rd Saturdays of the month.
(Please RSVP on the Event page)
5th October 2024 ā 2pm to 4pm
Auckland Unitarian Church
1a Ponsonby Road, Grey Lynn
Please RSVP (Facebook Event link or email)
There is a desperate need to support people working through issues of faith and spirituality, while providing safe spaces without biases and agendas. Where they are free to explore their own personal spiritual journey while being supported by a loving community, and itās OK to ask any questions and still be loved.
The Rainbow Community has experienced incredible amounts of abuse from religious groups over the years. The highest demographic for mental health problems and suicide in the community is in religious contexts.
Many of these survivors have completely lost families and friends along with their broader faith communities. Some manage to find a fully embracing church community that aligns with their faith, but many are so traumatised that they could never set foot in a church or be part of that community again.
Here is an outline of the issues Iād like to present to the community to discuss. If you like, you can even email me with your ideas before the meeting ā jim@silentgays.com
Provide a centrally located place that has a sense of warmth and purpose.
Regular meetings that explore the unique difficulties weāve experienced and sharing ways to move forward with integrity and freedom.
Have the backing of an organisation with credibility and experience in the area of social responsibility and community caring.
Explore new and innovative ways of creating communities, support services etc, based on the real needs, inviting people to participate at all levels with a high level of flexibility around the structure as we learn and grow.
Practical considerations such as:
Leadership/oversight and finances
Meeting structure and frequency
Social activities
Long term goals
Download the flyer here
Please feel free to contact me at jim@silentgays.com
It’s especially helpful for those of us trying to support those we love in the Rainbow community suffering from various mental health problems.
Silent Gays is a support and resource project designed to help LGBT+ people who have been through religious abuse deconstruct their beliefs and find healing, self-worth, and their own unique spirituality. Contact us today to learn more!
Dealing with mental health issues is far from easy. Whether your LGBTI+ loved one is dealing with depression, anxiety, substance abuse, bipolar illness, or other concerns, these conditions may seem daunting, but many can now be treated and managed successfully. The right treatment will provide your loved one with the tools and resources they need to meet their challenges, now and in the future. However, families making these decisions for their loved ones are often overwhelmed by the number of treatment options and amenities offered by different places. Silent Gays shares some key things to consider when selecting help for your loved one.
Mental health facilities employ trained and experienced staff who know the best ways to treat and support people on their journeys to wellness. Many treatment programs are run by passionate, empathetic people with big hearts, but these individuals may not have the expertise needed to give your loved one the treatment they need for long-term success.
Narrow your search to facilities that employ licensed social workers and those sensitive to the LGBTI+ community, as well as medical staffāthese professionals have completed a Master of Social Work program at an accredited United States university. Even students who take online MSW programs must complete a period of field education, working at a health services agency, to gain real-world experience and skills.
Many different types of treatment are available. A lot will depend on the issue your loved one is facing. AddictionHelp.com shows that medication-assisted therapy provides promising treatment outcomes, reducing the risk of relapse and preventing overdoses in cases of substance abuse. Some facilities incorporate physical activity, nutrition, or comprehensive therapies into their treatment plans to address more than addiction alone. In cases of depression, some similar methods may be used, and also may be supplemented by holistic therapies.
Making smart choices in daily habits plays a crucial role in mental rehabilitation, emphasizing the importance of nutrition and physical activity. Incorporating healthy snacks, such as fruits, nuts, and yoghurt, can nourish the brain and enhance mood stability. Regular exercise, tailored to individual preferences and capabilities, not only boosts physical health but also significantly improves mental well-being by releasing endorphins and reducing stress.
As you search for treatment best suited to your LGBTI+ family member, you’ll come across treatment programs of all lengths. In general, longer treatments tend to be more effective for substance abuse. Unfortunately, many insurance policies only cover about one month of rehab care, so finances can become a problem for many families. If cost is an issue, consider outpatient treatment. In an outpatient facility, your loved one can gain the benefits of long-term treatment without the high cost of inpatient care. Itās also critical that treatment programs incorporate some level of aftercare to help patients avoid relapse after treatment is complete.
While effective treatments and qualified staff play a crucial role in treatment of mental illness, a strong support network is also important. Social support can help people avoid feelings of loneliness and isolation, while providing a greater sense of purpose and optimism for the future. So you can continue providing support and care to your loved one while they go through treatment, try to pick a facility thatās close by.
On the other hand, your loved one may prefer to get far away from the environments and people they associate with difficulties. According to Turning Point of Tampa, there are several environmental influences that can affect recovery from addiction and other issues. For some people, an inpatient center in a calming, natural setting may be a better choice than an outpatient program closer to home. In the end, the best choice for your loved one will depend on their personal preferencesātheyāll have the greatest chance of success if theyāre in an environment where they feel comfortable and safe.
While your loved one begins their treatment, consider working on making your home a pleasant place that encourages healthy habits. Start by cleaning and decluttering to remove negative energy. Set up spaces devoted to meditation and exercise, and set a good example by using these spaces for their intended purposes. Make sure your home has plenty of natural light, and open those curtains and blinds during the day. If natural light isnāt a possibility in your home, consider investing in a light therapy box. Your loved oneās doctor may have good suggestions on this, so be sure to check with them.
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Selecting the best mental health treatment for your LGBTI+ loved one can be a tough process. Be prepared to do plenty of research and ask lots of questions as you seek out the best options for your friend or family member. Remember to consider your loved oneās unique needs and desires to ensure a great fit between them and the treatment program.
With the recent passing of the bill to ban Conversion Therapy, many are asking exactly what that means.
This workshop explains everything from the basics of what “LGBTI” is; the reason why religion has reviled it and the misunderstanding of biblical texts; what Conversion Therapy is and the damage it causes; what the legislation is all about and how to access support services.
Everyone is welcome, this is all about education and finding hope and help!
I will be running two free workshop/seminars in Auckland:
EVENT RESCHEDULED!
New date: Friday 17th Feb, 6:30pm at Ellen Melville Centre, 2 Freyberg Pl, Aukland CBD)
Friday 24th Feb, 6pm at Te Manawa, 11 Kohuhu Lane, Westgate, Auckland
This event is a “safe space”. Abuse in any form will not be tolerated.
Yesterday, I held a seminar on Conversion Therapy (CT). It was the first in 3 years, after Covid etc. A small turnout, but good engagement and discussions.
Every time I have discussions about the practicalities of confronting CT, sooner or later, it becomes obvious that there’s a large elephant in the room: Religious dogma.
How do we effectively reach those hidden in the churches, and help educate the churches themselves, when the doors are closed due to foundational doctrines and beliefs?
We can run education seminars and workshops, promote support services etc, till the cows come home, but if we can’t even get a chance to have the conversations with the religious leaders, and bring light to their dogmatic understanding of theology and scripture, very little will change.
Even those LGBT+ Christian leaders, theologians and scholars who are in the best position to do this, are rejected. When traditional dogma is threatened, no matter how loving and well-intentioned our efforts are, deep and insidious fears kick in.
Religious dogma (especially in the fundamentalist Abrahamic religions) relies on unquestioning allegiance to specific doctrines and scriptural interpretations, that must be protected at all costs to maintain the purity of the faith.
This comes from a complex psychological dynamic that humans use to create tribal security, safety, unity and stability and is part of a basic need, built in to us, and is essential to our survival. We are innately community focussed creatures.
But when these belief systems and structures become inflexible dogma, they begin to destroy the community. Slowly at first, but inevitably, those marginalised by these dogmas, begin to push back, and the community begins to fracture as more and more understand that humans are diverse, each with their own views and needs. Obviously, this is not just LGBT+ issues – it’s anything where a marginalised group is made “less than” in any way. We are currently seeing it in Iran, for example.
Eventually, there’s division, fighting, and splits. People leave to form new communities, but eventually new dogmas are created and the cycle continues.
But for LGBT+ people, they are generally the least of the least, the most hidden, and pushing back takes incredible time and energy, loss and trauma.
So how do we respond to the “elephant”?
How do we speak to dogma without appearing threatening?
How do we show the marginalised hiding within these communities that to question their dogma is not just OK, but healthy?
How do we talk to the leaders in a way that not just looks at the needs of LGBT+ people in their care, but also opens their hearts and eyes to the destructive reality of inflexible beliefs.
How do we show people that love, empathy, compassion, inclusion and acceptance, must be the foundation of any religious beliefs, not the other way round.
I have no answer, but we have to stop ignoring this very large and ugly elephant that keeps killing people.
Have the political footballs of “religious freedom” and “free speech” created so much fear, that “tolerance” has become the excuse to overlook and ignore?
I’ve been a friend of Cody’s for a few years now, and stood alongside him through his extremely difficult journey of “coming out of religion”. Cody’s story is no ordinary one, however, and he has asked me to write and share it on his behalf.
Cody is a 50 year old trans man (assigned female at birth, identifies as male). He also has cerebral palsy (CP) and lives in an assisted living house with 24/7 care. He’s also adopted. His adoptive family are fundamentalist pentecostal Christians. He’s a survivor of sexual abuse, as a baby and on through childhood and as an adult. He suffered a range of physical and psychological abuses as a teenager in the care of Wilson Home in Auckland, and on into adult life. All of this created a “perfect storm” for serious mental health issues.
His journey, then, has been that of leaving abusive religion, facing a complete lack of love at any stage in his life, coming to terms with his gender identity, and finding who he really is, all exacerbated by his CP.
Although his adoptive parents had the best of intentions, and tirelessly provided for his physical wellbeing, they were incapable of providing him with the genuine, unconditional love he desperately needed as a young child and on through the rest of his life. The reasons for this are, of course, complex, but the most damaging has been the religious indoctrination present in the pentecostal church, which was echoed in his family life.
He was constantly made aware of his sinful nature, and as he grew he was pushed more and more to be “responsible” for sinful thoughts and actions in a way that constantly destroyed any sense of self-worth, which was pretty much non-existent from the start anyway.
He was sexually abused by an older adopted brother at the age of 12. His family did what they could to some extent, but much of the blame went on him and they eventually brushed it all under the carpet of family shame. This was the event that led them to placing him in full time care, to ostensibly give some space between him and his brother. His brother went on to be convicted of multiple rapes and has spent many years in prison.
This is just the tip of the iceberg though. Every aspect of his religious family upbringing dealt blow after blow of self loathing, inadequacy and failure, leading to behaviours that echo the desperate need for love that was never met – depression, anxiety, psychosis, self harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders… the fact that he’s survived this long is a testimony to his dogged resilience! But as you can imagine, the cost has been catastrophic.
He’s recently taken the massive step to walk away from church and renounce his faith, and to distance himself from his family. He’s decided that making a clean break is the only way to move forward. But this decision hasn’t come easily! To resist the indoctrination of a lifetime of fundamentalism, while still trying to maintain contact with the church community and friends, is impossible. Walking away from this, in reality, has taken a few years! So many attempts ended in giving in to the pressure, guilt and shame, returning to his abusers in a type of Stockholm Syndrome. The ongoing legacy of this religion will take time to unravel, as the layers of abuse are peeled away, but each layer removed allows love to enter.
So Cody is now free to start his life as a gay man! His dream is to begin physical transitioning, although he recognises the medical difficulties due to his disability.
His passion is to bring to light, the traumatic lives of LGBT+ people with disabilities – the complete lack of support in institutions, the ignorance of sexuality and gender issues within staff and clients, the bullying and shaming and the unwillingness of institutions to even acknowledge the sexual needs of those with disabilities in general. His other passion is helping those with Religious Trauma Syndrome.
You can join him on his journey on LinkedIn and Facebook
I just watched the new Netflix movie Pray Away
I though I’d give some first impressions/reactions before taking some time to consider the deeper implications.
Very powerful, well produced, sensitive and respectful and yet very pointed in it’s premise.
As someone who spent 40 years of their life living this lie, I related to just about everything they presented. I was a desperate young man, looking to understand what was wrong with me and willing to try anything.
I even ended up became a leader in Living Waters, while still living a life of fear, shame and guilt, underscored by depression and suicide ideation. The movie presents this dynamic very intimately through the lives of a few of the key leaders of Exodus.
However, I don’t think it went anywhere near far enough into the complexities of this issue. But perhaps I feel that way because I’ve already worked through so much of it already. I guess the film could be viewed as a wake up call – an introduction that invites us to dig deeper.
For me, it wasn’t just reconciling my sexuality with my faith however. My faith was an integral part of everything I’d experienced, and clinging to Jesus was all that kept me alive. But the destruction ex-gay practices brought on my mind and life also directly affected my beliefs, to the point where they no longer had any validity. This film actually caused me to feel sad for those survivors who still cling to the faith that tried to destroy them. Of course, I know theologies and doctrines that successfully reconcile these issues, but the fact that this could even happen caused me to look outside the box of my dogmas and experiences.
So yeah, great film, and I know many will be inspired and set free by the bravery of those who spoke out. I think it will be a huge catalyst to freeing countless LGBT+ people, and exposing the doctrines of fundamentalist religion.
For me, its brought up some old wounds that need to be addressed, but its also inspired me to keep going deeper, and exposing the entire belief system that allows humans to be treated like this in the first place.
So here’s my very first, and hopefully not the last!
Here’s the transcript for your reading pleasure.
āMental healthā has become one of the hottest topics in the world!
Thereās little doubt that there are more suicides, greater rates of depression and related issues than any time in recorded history.
Our advances in psychiatry, neurology and related disciplines, has led the way to an incredible depth of understanding around how the mind works at every level. We are learning more about the mechanics of the brain almost daily.
We know for sure that the stresses of the modern world put pressures on us that we simply are not built to handle.
On the other hand, chronically stressful situations (trauma, abuse, war, disease etc) have been part of the human condition since day one, so itās nothing new.
So are all our new understandings and treatments actually helping?
Good question! And I am yet to find any empirical research on this ā assuming itās even possible to research in the first place.
Personally, Iāve battled with mental health issues all my life ā relating to being gay and having ADHD. But these specific issues (and countless others) have only been regarded as problems in more recent times.
There has always been LGBT+ people, and historically, itās never been regarded as a mental health problem until the advent of psychiatry! Sure, itās been treated in many weird and wonderful ways, but never in terms of a mental issue that had to be cured.
The same goes for ADHD, even more so! Historically, there were simply people who thought and interacted with the world differently. There wasnāt anything wrong with them, they were just different, usually more creative and eccentric, and were generally given the space to be what they were.
But now, we are so obsessed with creating ānormalā people that we apply labels to anything that doesnāt fit this magical ānormalā and then do everything we can to fix it.
In our efforts to understand, weāve created an obsession. Those who donāt fit ānormalā become fearful that our labels wonāt allow us to function in society ā that weāll be rejected and alienated. We are encouraged to seek help that will somehow make our brains work the same as everyone else’s, building a background of shame that brings even more problems.
Iām not dissing modern psychology and neuro science at all. But I am saying that weāve created an unreal and destructive precedent.
One of the single most important factors Iāve found when helping others (most notably with LGBT and Neuro-diverse issues) is letting them know they arenāt broken and donāt need fixing.
When this sinks in, it empowers us to make conscious decisions around how much we really want to fit in, and how much we want to simply be how we are, and let the rest of the world get used to it.
For me, finally accepting that Iām gay and that is absolutely OK, empowered me to find my niche ā without having to fit into any stereotypes or expectations on either side of the issue.
The same for ADHD ā itās how my brain works. Itās wonderful and creative and allows me to see the world and life in a totally unique way. Once I accepted that (and all the implications) I was empowered to decide how much I wanted to be ānormalā or whether it was fine to be me ā gloriously eccentric, unorganised and creative, and let the rest of the world figure out how they should respond to that.
Of course, itās a work in progress. I still succumb to performance anxiety, trying to meet otherās expectations. I catch myself procrastinating because of a deep sense of failure, after being told all my life I donāt do things the āright wayā, which causes me to not even try.
But Iām getting better every day!
So my point is this.
Donāt get lost in the labels. Donāt allow fear and shame to drive you into a life of either constant failure and rejection, or an obsession with trying to fit in through endless therapy and drugs.
Despite all the amazing breakthroughs that mental health research has brought, we are still the masters of our own lives. We donāt have to āfit inā just because weāve been told we have to.
Accept yourself. Be you ā gloriously and messily you. And if you feel you need to seek help to function within our dysfunctional society, then that choice is yours ā no on else’s!
Since starting Silent Gays a few years ago, I’ve mostly spent my time focussing on Facebook groups and messaging, but the reality is it’s a very limited audience and there is a huge need to reach those who don’t want to go on social media to look for help on religious abuse and conversion therapy issues. Privacy and discretion is hard to find on social media at the best of times, and this helps solve that problem!
The new email service is monitored by a small team of volunteers, each with their own areas of expertise, who have been through sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts, and have a passion to help others find a way through the mess.
I’ve also updated the website to focus around the CORE Book and Workbook. These have been the foundation of Silent Gays but have tended to get lost in the mix as it were. The books and the help email now have centre stage on the site.
Please take a few minutes to check out the site and grab a copy of the CORE book (digital formats only – no hardcopies, as yet). If you genuinely can’t afford it, let me know and I’ll send you a voucher for a free copy.
