Gender

Conversion Therapy Workshops/Seminars

Conversion Therapy Workshops/Seminars

With the recent passing of the bill to ban Conversion Therapy, many are asking exactly what that means.

This workshop explains everything from the basics of what “LGBTI” is; the reason why religion has reviled it and the misunderstanding of biblical texts; what Conversion Therapy is and the damage it causes; what the legislation is all about and how to access support services.

Everyone is welcome, this is all about education and finding hope and help!

I will be running two free workshop/seminars in Auckland:

EVENT RESCHEDULED!

The first seminar in Auckland CBD has been rescheduled due to the cyclone forecast for the region.

New date: Friday 17th Feb, 6:30pm at Ellen Melville Centre, 2 Freyberg Pl, Aukland CBD)

Friday 24th Feb, 6pm at Te Manawa, 11 Kohuhu Lane, Westgate, Auckland

 

This event is a “safe space”. Abuse in any form will not be tolerated.

Click here for Pride Month event listing

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Conversion Therapy, Mental Health, News, 0 comments
Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

 

I’ve been a friend of Cody’s for a few years now, and stood alongside him through his extremely difficult journey of “coming out of religion”. Cody’s story is no ordinary one, however, and he has asked me to write and share it on his behalf.

Cody is a 50 year old trans man (assigned female at birth, identifies as male). He also has cerebral palsy (CP) and lives in an assisted living house with 24/7 care. He’s also adopted. His adoptive family are fundamentalist pentecostal Christians. He’s a survivor of sexual abuse, as a baby and on through childhood and as an adult. He suffered a range of physical and psychological abuses as a teenager in the care of Wilson Home in Auckland, and on into adult life. All of this created a “perfect storm” for serious mental health issues.

His journey, then, has been that of leaving abusive religion, facing a complete lack of love at any stage in his life, coming to terms with his gender identity, and finding who he really is, all exacerbated by his CP.

Although his adoptive parents had the best of intentions, and tirelessly provided for his physical wellbeing, they were incapable of providing him with the genuine, unconditional love he desperately needed as a young child and on through the rest of his life. The reasons for this are, of course, complex, but the most damaging has been the religious indoctrination present in the pentecostal church, which was echoed in his family life.

He was constantly made aware of his sinful nature, and as he grew he was pushed more and more to be “responsible” for sinful thoughts and actions in a way that constantly destroyed any sense of self-worth, which was pretty much non-existent from the start anyway.

He was sexually abused by an older adopted brother at the age of 12. His family did what they could to some extent, but much of the blame went on him and they eventually brushed it all under the carpet of family shame. This was the event that led them to placing him in full time care, to ostensibly give some space between him and his brother. His brother went on to be convicted of multiple rapes and has spent many years in prison.

This is just the tip of the iceberg though. Every aspect of his religious family upbringing dealt blow after blow of self loathing, inadequacy and failure, leading to behaviours that echo the desperate need for love that was never met – depression, anxiety, psychosis, self harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders… the fact that he’s survived this long is a testimony to his dogged resilience! But as you can imagine, the cost has been catastrophic.

He’s recently taken the massive step to walk away from church and renounce his faith, and to distance himself from his family. He’s decided that making a clean break is the only way to move forward. But this decision hasn’t come easily! To resist the indoctrination of a lifetime of fundamentalism, while still trying to maintain contact with the church community and friends, is impossible. Walking away from this, in reality, has taken a few years! So many attempts ended in giving in to the pressure, guilt and shame, returning to his abusers in a type of Stockholm Syndrome. The ongoing legacy of this religion will take time to unravel, as the layers of abuse are peeled away, but each layer removed allows love to enter.

So Cody is now free to start his life as a gay man! His dream is to begin physical transitioning, although he recognises the medical difficulties due to his disability.

His passion is to bring to light, the traumatic lives of LGBT+ people with disabilities – the complete lack of support in institutions, the ignorance of sexuality and gender issues within staff and clients, the bullying and shaming and the unwillingness of institutions to even acknowledge the sexual needs of those with disabilities in general. His other passion is helping those with Religious Trauma Syndrome.

You can join him on his journey on LinkedIn and Facebook

 

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
An “Ex-Detransitioner” Disavows the Anti-Trans Movement She Helped Spark

An “Ex-Detransitioner” Disavows the Anti-Trans Movement She Helped Spark

 

With the “anti-conversion therapy” legislation happening in New Zealand this year, I’ve been putting in a lot of extra research into the problem areas being raised.

One of these is the issue around Trans people and the rhetoric pushed by TERFs and de-transitioners. Despite the fact that they are a very small percentage, they have a load voice.

This is the best article about the whole topic I’ve seen so far and I strongly recommend it to anyone struggling with some of the questions around transitioning being raised by some radicals.

(Link below to original article)

An “Ex-Detransitioner” Disavows the Anti-Trans Movement She Helped Spark

 

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Conversion Therapy, 0 comments
Being Trans – Part 2

Being Trans – Part 2

My previous post on Being Trans discussed the “technical” issues. But there is another side to this that is usually overlooked (and ultimately, it applies to the entire range of LGBT+ people).

Nearly all the science and psychology around the topic tends to regard Trans people (especially Trans women) as oddities to be researched, defined and categorised. Of course, there is no malice or untoward motivation in most of this – it is what it is – but there’s no denying the growing scientific interest in the entire nature of sex, sexuality and gender.

What this has created is an environment where LGBT+, and in particular Trans people, have become the topics of conversations that don’t actually involve them. People talk about them, rather than with them. Everyone now has an opinion, based on their feelings about it, backed up by whatever “science” they find to support those feelings. But they are also the topic of genuine scientific inquiry, which, despite being beneficial, is still people discussing your very being.

So here’s the thing – imagine, if you can, how that would make you feel. People telling you how you should feel or react, how you should behave, how you should think, how you should look, discussing your mental health and your physiology, constantly. Imagine being confronted on a daily basis by people who think you are sick and deluded. needing psychiatric help. Can you possibly begin to understand this?

Trans people, and Trans women in particular, are faced with issues most of us can’t begin to comprehend, and yet they are left out of the conversations or dismissed entirely! In some cases, this can create extreme radicalism fueled by hate and fear. But for the vast majority, it reinforces and increases that mental distress they already face through battling with the complexities of gender dysphoria. Either way, it’s a mess.

What do we do about this?

Listen to them! Include them. Hear their stories, their hearts, their struggles. In fact. let them lead the discussions. Our only valid input is to help them process their traumas with empathy and encouragement through love. They don’t need our opinions, no matter how passionate we are about them. Support the science and research, but give Trans people direct input into the whole issue. They aren’t Guinea Pigs and freaks who must be dissected and analysed – they are human beings who, more than anything, need to be loved and accepted as they are. The science can wait.

Live Loved!

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
Being Trans

Being Trans

I’m not trans, so this is obviously NOT a post guided by lived experience, but I have taken a lot of time to research and understand what being Trans is all about. For all trans people who read this, I apologise if I haven’t got something right – feel free to comment (nicely please).

JK Rowlings has sparked a massive backlash around the whole biological issue for Trans people. I’ve read her comments carefully and other’s who support her views (I’m not talking about TERFS here, I’m referring to more measured and “rational” views). In all honesty, over the years I’ve had to re-learn a lot of stuff about the entire concepts of gender and sex, so in a way, I don’t blame people for their reactions.

However, it’s time to address this using that rather underutilized commodity – science!

So – are trans women biological women?? (and same for trans men of course, although they generally face different problems)

To address this we have to take a step back and look at what determines gender in the first place. The obvious is external genitals, breasts, facial hair etc. Then there’s internal organs and various aspects around fat distribution, muscle density etc. Then there’s the least discussed and most crucial aspect – chromosomes.

To understand this better we have to look at Intersex. Basically, this is where people have some sort of “gender ambiguity” based on the above mentioned aspects. Some people appear predominantly male on the outside but have ovaries, others look feminine but have testes. There are a myriad of possibilities! It’s hard to get any definitive stats on it, but it could be as much as one in 1600 have Intersex variations, and just as likely that we all have minor variations that don’t show up under our current abilities to test this on a large scale.

Chromosomal differences are particularly interesting. Here is a very thorough analysis of this by the WHO. Suffice to say, we are beginning to understand that sex is absolutely NOT clear cut, despite what our eyes tell us when we see male or female external appearances!

Sadly, there is very little research on how this relates to Trans people, mostly because chromosome testing is pretty much never done as part of the “diagnosis”. What we DO know is that the science supports a far broader concept of male and female anatomy and identification than we ever imagined.

Throughout human history there have always been Trans and Intersex people, with cultures recognising them in a variety of ways, mostly positive! It’s only in the last 100 years or so that western culture has vilified them (generalisation).

So where does that leave us?

We can safely deduce that Trans people have some underlying genetic coding responsible for their sex and gender identity. The science is very clear about the level of ambiguity through chromosomal mutations, meaning that the whole idea of “women are women and men are men” becomes anathema. This simply is not factual. So when some say that trans women can never be “real” women, we are denying the facts. Am I saying all Trans people are Intersex, not exactly, it’s just that we don’t know enough yet.

There are millions of people who identify as women but have some form of Intersex features, often unknown to them!
Some women have excessive facial hair – are they less of a woman?
Some women have enlarged libias (or other parts of their genitals) – are they less of a woman?
Some have deep voices, some have no breasts, some have no ovaries, some have internal testes, and some have chromosomal differences that we don’t fully understand their affects.
Would you call any of these people NOT women?

For Trans women then, we are faced with the simple question – at what point is a woman a woman or a man a man? If someone knows beyond doubt that they feel different or there’s dysphoria – that their body and how they think about their gender doesn’t fit the stereotypes – how are we to define them, and why do we feel the need to do so!

The science shows us that it’s a far more complex issue than we imagined and to demand we push people into binaries is nothing more than social bigotry. It’s understandable though, because ignorance is to blame, and we can’t expect people to accept something they have no real understanding of. But we can educate them! We can point them to the science. We can help them grow in compassion and realise that we are all human beings before anything else.

To my many Trans friends – I have no idea what it’s like for you, but I do understand, even from a gay man’s perspective, that bigotry based on ignorance is brutal and destructive. You are free to be recognised in any way you choose!

As an interesting side issue, I’ve found some trans people feel pressure from their peers to become “fully female” or “fully male” and there are groups who say you aren’t really trans unless you do so. This is the extreme opposite side of the issue and is just as destructive. It’s your body and only you know what works for you! Find that place where you are comfortable “in your own skin”. You don’t have to conform to anyone’s ideas. One of my oldest friends fully transitioned to female. In the early days she tried to be very feminine, but after a while realised that she was happy being a bit rough around the edges and trying to be overly feminine went against her personality. But it’s different for everyone – BE YOU!!

 

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 2 comments
Sy Rogers – the legacy

Sy Rogers – the legacy

For those who haven’t heard, Sy Rogers died the other day.

In the interests of integrity and honesty, and respecting Sy’s desire to be a man despite his gender dysphoria and even living as a trans women for a while, I’ll use “they” as the pronoun to reflect this conflict.

Sy was one of the most prominent “ex-gay” preachers and traveled the world with their message that God can transform us into happy, fulfilled straight people. They rose to fame in the 80s and was even president of Exodus Ministries for a while.

One of their most famous quotes was “If you want to stay gay, that’s your business,… But the bottom line is, you have a choice to overcome it. You can change. The goal is God – not going straight. Straight people don’t go to Heaven, redeemed people do.”

As a fellow human being, my heart goes out to their family and friends.

But I find myself rather triggered. It’s brought up all the misery I went through trying to be a straight man all my life. And already, I’m finding countless others feeling the same.

Their very public teachings and testimony were adopted as “proof” that LGBT people could change. It was given extra weight because their story included their gender as well as their  sexuality. Sy never really addressed the differences between the two, which we know are completely unrelated human attributes. Of course, we all know that no one actually changes either of these attributes. We either repress, deny or employ diversions such as religious obsessions to delude ourselves that we are changed or cured. We also know that most of the time this ends up causing mental illness and suicide.

Sy’s legacy would be impossible to quantify. Their message and ministry is directly responsible for bringing incalculable pain, misery, suffering and even death to literally millions.

Of course, there are many others who contributed to the abuse of LGBT people. But Sy is exceptional in that he had the opportunity to bring life instead of death, but refused to do so.

In 2007, during a meeting with Anthony Venn Brown, Sy said “I no longer preach a re-orientation message”. However, they never made this public! They’d said the same thing to other ministers as well over more recent years. And yes, if we look at their ministry over the last 15 years or so, it became more about relational wholeness through Jesus and similar topics. Sy had indeed carefully sidestepped his original message without so much as a word. Their only comment was about not wanting to cause public controversy. Perhaps it was more about saving face and finance? We may never know.

For me and so many now, this is the ultimate betrayal. How many lives could have been saved if Sy had had the guts to be honest and care more about others. Was Sy that unaware of the damage of their message?

It will take a while for me to process my emotions around this. I would encourage any of us who find ourselves confronting the anger and frustration of all we’ve been through to be brave, give yourself permission to feel and process it all. Get some help if needed, talk to safe friends or a counselor.

So yeah…. I don’t like to “talk ill of the dead” while family are still grieving, but I feel I have no choice. The Sy Rogers legacy is horrific.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 2 comments
Beyond LGBTI+

Beyond LGBTI+

I’ve often written about the limitations of our sexuality and gender labelling and encouraged people to examine the the fluidity of it all. Of course, labelling is needed in terms of finding others who understand our particular needs and preferences, but we get stuck there, to our own detriment.

As the various scientific disciplines explore sexuality and gender, it’s becoming clearer that every single person on the planet is actually on a continuum of various sexuality and gender factors. And people are discovering that it’s possible to move along these different continua throughout our lives!

I just read an interesting article how women, in particular, are discovering same sex attraction in their late 30 and 40s, even though they have been happily “straight” up until then!

We are discovering so much about the biology of gender that almost every other day there’s more understanding of the nuances of our genetics and the chemistry that surrounds it. Nothing is as it used to be understood. The idea of “binary” gender is no longer valid.

Being a chronic idealist and dreamer, I long for us to embrace this as a species. I imagine a world where there really are no assumptions, no boundaries or expectations around any aspect of this core part of our being.

The only factor that needs any consideration in how we live this in a practical way is the birth and nurture of children. A womb is the only place a child can gestate, and a stable loving environment is the only place a child can grow.

I feel my goals and activities are shifting to enable this to become real. I need to put my money where my mouth is, as it were.

I’m actively looking at ways to educate/enlighten, and build communities based solely on unconditional love and support. I ache for a world beyond labels, where everyone is simply their unique selves.

I’ve found that most people, especially LGBTI+, long for the same thing, but regard it as nothing more than unachievable dream, and a waste of effort. But if no one even attempts this, how will we ever know?

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 0 comments