Conversion Therapy

Mar

2023

CT “forcing” Christian school to close

The passing of the legislation banning Conversion Therapy in New Zealand has been slow to see any noticeable change. But I didn’t quite see this coming:

Christian school closing down!

This was in the news last night, and I was quite surprised! And the news item suggests there could be more to follow. Basically, they say they “have” to close because they aren’t allowed to practice Conversion Therapy on the kids.

The interview with the school’s spokesperson quickly revealed how utterly ignorant they are of the facts around sexuality and gender, and stating that they “didn’t want an 18yo boy who is questioning his sexuality sharing the same toilet as a 5yo girl” shows how absurd their understanding of this really is.

But there is also a bigger picture in all this around “religious” schools and their entire ethos.

Is it really OK to allow kids to be completely indoctrinated to dogmatic religious beliefs that refuse any form of unbiased or balanced education on alternative beliefs and philosophies?

Is it acceptable that the only input they get on the incredibly complex issue of sexuality and gender is from the selective, white western interpretations of biblical scripture?

It all leads into some very difficult conversations about the rights we have, as parents, around how we educate our children to grow into adults who can truly benefit society, through understanding unconditional love, objective and rational thought and empathy. Are we allowing more and more division and polarisation by allowing these schools to create “us versus them” paradigms in children in their crucial formative years?

Time for some difficult discussions by those brave enough to have them.

Feb

2023

Conversion Therapy Workshops/Seminars

With the recent passing of the bill to ban Conversion Therapy, many are asking exactly what that means.

This workshop explains everything from the basics of what “LGBTI” is; the reason why religion has reviled it and the misunderstanding of biblical texts; what Conversion Therapy is and the damage it causes; what the legislation is all about and how to access support services.

Everyone is welcome, this is all about education and finding hope and help!

I will be running two free workshop/seminars in Auckland:

EVENT RESCHEDULED!

The first seminar in Auckland CBD has been rescheduled due to the cyclone forecast for the region.

New date: Friday 17th Feb, 6:30pm at Ellen Melville Centre, 2 Freyberg Pl, Aukland CBD)

Friday 24th Feb, 6pm at Te Manawa, 11 Kohuhu Lane, Westgate, Auckland

This event is a “safe space”. Abuse in any form will not be tolerated.

Click here for Pride Month event listing

Nov

2022

Conversion Therapy and the Elephant in the Room

Yesterday, I held a seminar on Conversion Therapy (CT). It was the first in 3 years, after Covid etc. A small turnout, but good engagement and discussions.

Every time I have discussions about the practicalities of confronting CT, sooner or later, it becomes obvious that there’s a large elephant in the room: Religious dogma.

How do we effectively reach those hidden in the churches, and help educate the churches themselves, when the doors are closed due to foundational doctrines and beliefs?

We can run education seminars and workshops, promote support services etc, till the cows come home, but if we can’t even get a chance to have the conversations with the religious leaders, and bring light to their dogmatic understanding of theology and scripture, very little will change.

Even those LGBT+ Christian leaders, theologians and scholars who are in the best position to do this, are rejected. When traditional dogma is threatened, no matter how loving and well-intentioned our efforts are, deep and insidious fears kick in.

Religious dogma (especially in the fundamentalist Abrahamic religions) relies on unquestioning allegiance to specific doctrines and scriptural interpretations, that must be protected at all costs to maintain the purity of the faith.

This comes from a complex psychological dynamic that humans use to create tribal security, safety, unity and stability and is part of a basic need, built in to us, and is essential to our survival. We are innately community focussed creatures.

But when these belief systems and structures become inflexible dogma, they begin to destroy the community. Slowly at first, but inevitably, those marginalised by these dogmas, begin to push back, and the community begins to fracture as more and more understand that humans are diverse, each with their own views and needs. Obviously, this is not just LGBT+ issues – it’s anything where a marginalised group is made “less than” in any way. We are currently seeing it in Iran, for example.

Eventually, there’s division, fighting, and splits. People leave to form new communities, but eventually new dogmas are created and the cycle continues.

But for LGBT+ people, they are generally the least of the least, the most hidden, and pushing back takes incredible time and energy, loss and trauma.

So how do we respond to the “elephant”?
How do we speak to dogma without appearing threatening?
How do we show the marginalised hiding within these communities that to question their dogma is not just OK, but healthy?
How do we talk to the leaders in a way that not just looks at the needs of LGBT+ people in their care, but also opens their hearts and eyes to the destructive reality of inflexible beliefs.
How do we show people that love, empathy, compassion, inclusion and acceptance, must be the foundation of any religious beliefs, not the other way round.

I have no answer, but we have to stop ignoring this very large and ugly elephant that keeps killing people.

Have the political footballs of “religious freedom” and “free speech” created so much fear, that “tolerance” has become the excuse to overlook and ignore?

Mar

2022

Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

I’ve been a friend of Cody’s for a few years now, and stood alongside him through his extremely difficult journey of “coming out of religion”. Cody’s story is no ordinary one, however, and he has asked me to write and share it on his behalf.

Cody is a 50 year old trans man (assigned female at birth, identifies as male). He also has cerebral palsy (CP) and lives in an assisted living house with 24/7 care. He’s also adopted. His adoptive family are fundamentalist pentecostal Christians. He’s a survivor of sexual abuse, as a baby and on through childhood and as an adult. He suffered a range of physical and psychological abuses as a teenager in the care of Wilson Home in Auckland, and on into adult life. All of this created a “perfect storm” for serious mental health issues.

His journey, then, has been that of leaving abusive religion, facing a complete lack of love at any stage in his life, coming to terms with his gender identity, and finding who he really is, all exacerbated by his CP.

Although his adoptive parents had the best of intentions, and tirelessly provided for his physical wellbeing, they were incapable of providing him with the genuine, unconditional love he desperately needed as a young child and on through the rest of his life. The reasons for this are, of course, complex, but the most damaging has been the religious indoctrination present in the pentecostal church, which was echoed in his family life.

He was constantly made aware of his sinful nature, and as he grew he was pushed more and more to be “responsible” for sinful thoughts and actions in a way that constantly destroyed any sense of self-worth, which was pretty much non-existent from the start anyway.

He was sexually abused by an older adopted brother at the age of 12. His family did what they could to some extent, but much of the blame went on him and they eventually brushed it all under the carpet of family shame. This was the event that led them to placing him in full time care, to ostensibly give some space between him and his brother. His brother went on to be convicted of multiple rapes and has spent many years in prison.

This is just the tip of the iceberg though. Every aspect of his religious family upbringing dealt blow after blow of self loathing, inadequacy and failure, leading to behaviours that echo the desperate need for love that was never met – depression, anxiety, psychosis, self harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders… the fact that he’s survived this long is a testimony to his dogged resilience! But as you can imagine, the cost has been catastrophic.

He’s recently taken the massive step to walk away from church and renounce his faith, and to distance himself from his family. He’s decided that making a clean break is the only way to move forward. But this decision hasn’t come easily! To resist the indoctrination of a lifetime of fundamentalism, while still trying to maintain contact with the church community and friends, is impossible. Walking away from this, in reality, has taken a few years! So many attempts ended in giving in to the pressure, guilt and shame, returning to his abusers in a type of Stockholm Syndrome. The ongoing legacy of this religion will take time to unravel, as the layers of abuse are peeled away, but each layer removed allows love to enter.

So Cody is now free to start his life as a gay man! His dream is to begin physical transitioning, although he recognises the medical difficulties due to his disability.

His passion is to bring to light, the traumatic lives of LGBT+ people with disabilities – the complete lack of support in institutions, the ignorance of sexuality and gender issues within staff and clients, the bullying and shaming and the unwillingness of institutions to even acknowledge the sexual needs of those with disabilities in general. His other passion is helping those with Religious Trauma Syndrome.

You can join him on his journey on LinkedIn and Facebook

Aug

2021

Pray Away – first impressions

I just watched the new Netflix movie Pray Away

I though I’d give some first impressions/reactions before taking some time to consider the deeper implications.

Very powerful, well produced, sensitive and respectful and yet very pointed in it’s premise.

As someone who spent 40 years of their life living this lie, I related to just about everything they presented. I was a desperate young man, looking to understand what was wrong with me and willing to try anything.

I even ended up became a leader in Living Waters, while still living a life of fear, shame and guilt, underscored by depression and suicide ideation. The movie presents this dynamic very intimately through the lives of a few of the key leaders of Exodus.

However, I don’t think it went anywhere near far enough into the complexities of this issue. But perhaps I feel that way because I’ve already worked through so much of it already. I guess the film could be viewed as a wake up call – an introduction that invites us to dig deeper.

For me, it wasn’t just reconciling my sexuality with my faith however. My faith was an integral part of everything I’d experienced, and clinging to Jesus was all that kept me alive. But the destruction ex-gay practices brought on my mind and life also directly affected my beliefs, to the point where they no longer had any validity. This film actually caused me to feel sad for those survivors who still cling to the faith that tried to destroy them. Of course, I know theologies and doctrines that successfully reconcile these issues, but the fact that this could even happen caused me to look outside the box of my dogmas and experiences.

So yeah, great film, and I know many will be inspired and set free by the bravery of those who spoke out. I think it will be a huge catalyst to freeing countless LGBT+ people, and exposing the doctrines of fundamentalist religion.

For me, its brought up some old wounds that need to be addressed, but its also inspired me to keep going deeper, and exposing the entire belief system that allows humans to be treated like this in the first place.

Jun

2021

Silent Gays is growing!

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

help@silentgays.com

Since starting Silent Gays a few years ago, I’ve mostly spent my time focussing on Facebook groups and messaging, but the reality is it’s a very limited audience and there is a huge need to reach those who don’t want to go on social media to look for help on religious abuse and conversion therapy issues. Privacy and discretion is hard to find on social media at the best of times, and this helps solve that problem!

The new email service is monitored by a small team of volunteers, each with their own areas of expertise, who have been through sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts, and have a passion to help others find a way through the mess.

I’ve also updated the website to focus around the CORE Book and Workbook. These have been the foundation of Silent Gays but have tended to get lost in the mix as it were. The books and the help email now have centre stage on the site.

Please take a few minutes to check out the site and grab a copy of the CORE book (digital formats only – no hardcopies, as yet). If you genuinely can’t afford it, let me know and I’ll send you a voucher for a free copy.

Apr

2021

Looking for Survivors

The progress of the Conversion Therapy legislation in New Zealand is looking good.

But we need input from you!

The problem is that “Conversion Therapy” has been presented as something extreme. Recent movies and docos have painted some grim pictures, and rightly so!

But the reality is far more subtle and insidious, and we know there are thousands out there who are unaware that they’ve been subject to religious practices and beliefs that are just as harmful as the full on stuff we’ve seen. Part of this effort involves shifting the term “Conversion Therapy” to SOGICE (Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Change Efforts) as it more accurately describes the the scope of the issue.

Silent Gays will be working with SOGICE survivors and Brave to host some safe, private zoom gatherings to share experiences, learn about the advocacy space, and talk about support.

The first step is presenting three specific questions to help you understand the scope of the practices. These are:

Have you been part of a faith community where you were told that you were broken, disordered or in need of healing because of your gender or sexual identity?
Have you been offered prayer, counselling, pastoral care or rituals which seek to change or suppress your sexual or gender identity?
Have you been part of a formal or informal faith-based program which tried to engage the ‘reasons’ for your gay, bi, lesbian, trans, queer or ace identity or ‘support’ you to live as a straight, cisgender person?

You’ll notice that we aren’t simply asking if you’ve been through some form of conversion therapy. This is simply because most people just don’t think in those terms.

We are looking at ways to ask these questions of the broader community, but I’m putting this out now for your consideration, and by all means, feel free to prepare as detailed a response as you like, or just sit with the idea for now.

There is no pressure, and all information is strictly confidential.

email info@silentgays.com

Apr

2021

It’s Not Just Conversion Therapy

A friend made this comment that really encapsulates the depth of the issues for LGBT+ people around religious abuse and the implications of banning CT and hate speech.

The deep seated guilt and shame for LGBT+ Christians isn’t easily solved by just joining an affirming church or finding new friends.

Part of the difficulty is that the guilt is applied well before it gets to the “conversion therapy” stage as the teaching is woven throughout the belief system for everyone. In the church I grew up in during the 60’s and 70’s, there was little anti-gay stuff spoken directly from the pulpit but it was implied and inferred. There was a little more said at home (probably in answer to questions about what did the Pastor mean when . . . ) but somehow one was very clearly taught that anything except heterosexual monogamous marriage was the only acceptable way to do relationships.

This screws up everyone’s thinking if they have any degree of LGBTQIA attributes – the guilt and sense of brokenness is inherent even without going to conversion therapy.

As Gay Activism got louder through the 70s, the anti-gay theme began showing up more obviously in church teachings, and one buried one’s unacceptable sexuality even further, and took in the anti-gay mantel too.

Even though not subject to overt applied conversion therapy, every person that fellowships in these church activities is subject to subtle implied conversion therapy.

How does one legislate against that?

Hate speech, no, they’re too subtle for that. One of the last church services I attended at the ‘radical centre’ church I attended, stated that if a homosexual couple came into the church they would be welcome and accepted – but that a marriage would not be performed in the church or by that pastor.

So – they have worked out ways around the hate speech laws.

This is fast becoming the church’s normal way of dealing with it all – bigotry and hypocrisy with a welcoming smile and knife in the back.

We still have a long way to go.

Apr

2020

Sy Rogers – the legacy

For those who haven’t heard, Sy Rogers died the other day.

In the interests of integrity and honesty, and respecting Sy’s desire to be a man despite his gender dysphoria and even living as a trans women for a while, I’ll use “they” as the pronoun to reflect this conflict.

Sy was one of the most prominent “ex-gay” preachers and traveled the world with their message that God can transform us into happy, fulfilled straight people. They rose to fame in the 80s and was even president of Exodus Ministries for a while.

One of their most famous quotes was “If you want to stay gay, that’s your business,… But the bottom line is, you have a choice to overcome it. You can change. The goal is God – not going straight. Straight people don’t go to Heaven, redeemed people do.”

As a fellow human being, my heart goes out to their family and friends.

But I find myself rather triggered. It’s brought up all the misery I went through trying to be a straight man all my life. And already, I’m finding countless others feeling the same.

Their very public teachings and testimony were adopted as “proof” that LGBT people could change. It was given extra weight because their story included their gender as well as their sexuality. Sy never really addressed the differences between the two, which we know are completely unrelated human attributes. Of course, we all know that no one actually changes either of these attributes. We either repress, deny or employ diversions such as religious obsessions to delude ourselves that we are changed or cured. We also know that most of the time this ends up causing mental illness and suicide.

Sy’s legacy would be impossible to quantify. Their message and ministry is directly responsible for bringing incalculable pain, misery, suffering and even death to literally millions.

Of course, there are many others who contributed to the abuse of LGBT people. But Sy is exceptional in that he had the opportunity to bring life instead of death, but refused to do so.

In 2007, during a meeting with Anthony Venn Brown, Sy said “I no longer preach a re-orientation message”. However, they never made this public! They’d said the same thing to other ministers as well over more recent years. And yes, if we look at their ministry over the last 15 years or so, it became more about relational wholeness through Jesus and similar topics. Sy had indeed carefully sidestepped his original message without so much as a word. Their only comment was about not wanting to cause public controversy. Perhaps it was more about saving face and finance? We may never know.

For me and so many now, this is the ultimate betrayal. How many lives could have been saved if Sy had had the guts to be honest and care more about others. Was Sy that unaware of the damage of their message?

It will take a while for me to process my emotions around this. I would encourage any of us who find ourselves confronting the anger and frustration of all we’ve been through to be brave, give yourself permission to feel and process it all. Get some help if needed, talk to safe friends or a counselor.

So yeah…. I don’t like to “talk ill of the dead” while family are still grieving, but I feel I have no choice. The Sy Rogers legacy is horrific.

Aug

2018

False memories

The most popular theories behind current gay conversion therapies are based on three childhood issues:

An incomplete bond and resultant lack of identification with the same-sex parent
Childhood sexual abuse or trauma
Lack of strong or correct gender role modelling

During sessions, the participant is prayerfully led through childhood memories around these issues.

Before commenting on the problems with this technique I will say, most emphatically, that none of these issues make people gay. It is completely unfounded and damaging.

What makes it all even worse is the occurrence of false memories. We create these memories due to the prompting we receive, the expectations of those around us, our desire to change and please God, and as in my own case, desperation, simply because it was the only explanation I had left. I “remembered” supposed events that ended up demonising my father and family relationships.

Here is an article by Chris Paley, author of Unthink

Remembering something doesn’t mean it happened

We come to the truth in many ways. We read books, think, listen to other people and experience things directly. Other people lie sometimes. They skip the important details. Our thoughts are sometimes mangled. The most convincing way to learn things is to experience them ourselves. Our memories seem to be our unmediated store of the truth: the things we know for certain happened. But other people can give us memories of things we never experienced.

Elizabeth Loftus and colleagues conducted one of the earliest experiments showing how to do this, and highlighting how dangerous it is to rely on what we remember. They showed volunteers a clip of a road accident. Afterwards, they asked some of the participants, ‘About how fast were the cars going when they smashed into each other?’ They asked others how fast they were going when they collided, bumped, contacted, or hit. Participants who heard the question with the verb smashed estimated that the cars were going faster*.

A week later, the experimenters contacted the participants again and asked them further questions on what they remembered about the accident. In particular, was there any broken glass at the scene? Those who’d been asked how fast the cars were going when they smashed were more than twice as likely to wrongly remember seeing broken glass after the accident. A single, apparently innocuous word changed what people remembered, and their memories afterwards built all the details of the accident to be consistent.

This was an early experiment. Researchers have since become bolder and better at manipulating people’s memories. They’ve had participants remember robbers carrying a screwdriver that wasn’t there. In controversial experiments, they’ve implanted memories of childhood events that never happened including being lost in a shopping centre, taking a flight in a hot air balloon and even meeting Bugs Bunny (a Warner Brothers character) on a trip to Disneyland.

When The X-Files was popular, the number of reported alien abductions, some recovered under hypnosis or in therapy, rose dramatically. It seemed like a fad, but the unfortunate abductees were just as distressed when talking about their memories as people who really had traumatic experiences. Memory’s a strange thing, and just as unreliable as those grainy photos of UFOs. The truth may be out there, but don’t rely on finding it in your head.

Chris Paley holds a PhD from the University of Cambridge, and is the author of Unthink, which has been published in six languages.

Conversion Therapy

CT “forcing” Christian school to close

Conversion Therapy Workshops/Seminars

Conversion Therapy and the Elephant in the Room

Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

Pray Away – first impressions

Silent Gays is growing!

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

help@silentgays.com

Looking for Survivors

It’s Not Just Conversion Therapy

Sy Rogers – the legacy

False memories

Remembering something doesn’t mean it happened

Latest blogs

The story behind Silent Gays

Pages