Community

Conversion Therapy and the Elephant in the Room

Conversion Therapy and the Elephant in the Room

Yesterday, I held a seminar on Conversion Therapy (CT). It was the first in 3 years, after Covid etc. A small turnout, but good engagement and discussions.

Every time I have discussions about the practicalities of confronting CT, sooner or later, it becomes obvious that there’s a large elephant in the room: Religious dogma.

How do we effectively reach those hidden in the churches, and help educate the churches themselves, when the doors are closed due to foundational doctrines and beliefs?

We can run education seminars and workshops, promote support services etc, till the cows come home, but if we can’t even get a chance to have the conversations with the religious leaders, and bring light to their dogmatic understanding of theology and scripture, very little will change.

Even those LGBT+ Christian leaders, theologians and scholars who are in the best position to do this, are rejected. When traditional dogma is threatened, no matter how loving and well-intentioned our efforts are, deep and insidious fears kick in.

Religious dogma (especially in the fundamentalist Abrahamic religions) relies on unquestioning allegiance to specific doctrines and scriptural interpretations, that must be protected at all costs to maintain the purity of the faith.

This comes from a complex psychological dynamic that humans use to create tribal security, safety, unity and stability and is part of a basic need, built in to us, and is essential to our survival. We are innately community focussed creatures.

But when these belief systems and structures become inflexible dogma, they begin to destroy the community. Slowly at first, but inevitably, those marginalised by these dogmas, begin to push back, and the community begins to fracture as more and more understand that humans are diverse, each with their own views and needs. Obviously, this is not just LGBT+ issues – it’s anything where a marginalised group is made “less than” in any way. We are currently seeing it in Iran, for example.

Eventually, there’s division, fighting, and splits. People leave to form new communities, but eventually new dogmas are created and the cycle continues.

But for LGBT+ people, they are generally the least of the least, the most hidden, and pushing back takes incredible time and energy, loss and trauma.

So how do we respond to the “elephant”?
How do we speak to dogma without appearing threatening?
How do we show the marginalised hiding within these communities that to question their dogma is not just OK, but healthy?
How do we talk to the leaders in a way that not just looks at the needs of LGBT+ people in their care, but also opens their hearts and eyes to the destructive reality of inflexible beliefs.
How do we show people that love, empathy, compassion, inclusion and acceptance, must be the foundation of any religious beliefs, not the other way round.

I have no answer, but we have to stop ignoring this very large and ugly elephant that keeps killing people.

Have the political footballs of “religious freedom” and “free speech” created so much fear, that “tolerance” has become the excuse to overlook and ignore?

 

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Conversion Therapy, Mental Health, 4 comments
A worthy cause??

A worthy cause??

I’ve really hesitated about writing this. I’ve always tried to be transparent with Silent Gays and how I work, so in the end I thought I should share this.

The last thing I want to do is guilt trip people – seriously, I hate it when I see those sorts of posts in social media and money-begging emails. You know what I mean!

So how do we ask for financial help in a way that gets people to respond, without using emotional manipulation?

Here’s the thing…

The guy I’ve been helping escape from Tanzania (from horrific life threatening LGBT persecution) has been something of a “project” for me (although that does sound a bit dehumanising).

You may recall, I’ve posted regular updates on where he’s at and his current needs. He’s been absolutely honest and transparent with me every step of the way. He’s shared personal videos of what he’s faced – his fears and joys through it all. However, he’s still got a way to go, as he faces never ending obstacles from homophobic authorities – despite his rights to refugee status.

I asked for financial help, because that’s where the rubber hits the road. Giving him “thoughts and prayers” isn’t going to save his life. I received around $300 from four generous people, for which I’m very grateful. I personally committed to help no matter what. This has meant I’ve used over $1200 of my savings and I’m about to put in another $500 or so to help him get to the Kakuma Refugee Camp and pay for all the hoops he has to jump through to stay in the refugee camp on the other side of Kenya. But he’s very scared, because the camp has a very bad reputation for LGBT abuse.

Despite this, I’m no longer going to ask for money – I’m sick of it, and I guess everyone else is.

However, I’m not bitter or angry about the lack of response and support at all. But I’m very disappointed. Disappointed that fellow humans would calmly ignore this. Disappointed that I have done the same on many occasions. Disappointed that anything that comes from African nations is regarded as a scam or rip-off (which is sort of understandable given the reputation of Nigerian scammers). Disappointed that we happily support causes that are local, but are blind to communities that have no chance of any local support – who’s only hope is with western privileged society.

So what constitutes a “worthy cause”? This is something we usually subconsciously process through our “paradigms” and biases – at worst with nothing more than an emotional offhand response, or perhaps with consideration to our priorities to other commitments (of course), or maybe even thinking that we can’t be of any real help because we could only give a few dollars. I guess there’s a lot of valid reasons, and a lot of really shitty reasons, and that’s something each of us have to work through – or not.

Whatever the issues around all this stuff, I’m just writing this to bring some awareness to how we respond to others in need – not only in other distant lands, but also to those right here with us. As I said, it’s not an attempt to guilt-trip, but an honest desire for us to genuinely assess what’s important.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 2 comments
Too tired to engage

Too tired to engage

The only way to successfully communicate with fundamentalist Christians is through heart felt empathy – from our part. It seems this is the only way to find a crack in their armour, where they see our humanity, vulnerability and heart.
But I must confess, even then it’s an uphill battle.
Sadly for far too many, it’s too late for us to engage in any meaningful way. So many of us LGBT+ people have decided that we can no longer embrace our faith and are looking for safe spaces to deconstruct.
Many are too afraid to publicly admit that they no longer hold to the traditional Christian theology and doctrines, but remain because they have nowhere else to go!
The church community can be such a strong pull that to walk away feels like dying. They are suffering in a place of complete cognitive dissonance – the “silent gays” – hiding their true identity, living in fear, wearing the mask.
For many LGBT+ people struggling to maintain their faith, they are too tired. They are emotionally damaged to the point where the thought of engaging in the ways that require emotional vulnerability and compassion are just another load on top of what they already carry.
Although I personally try to engage traditionalists with empathy and compassion, I far too often find it exhausting and frustrating. I’m learning to walk away a little more graciously these days, but I have my moments!
This is a huge reality, and causes intense silent suffering. Mental health issues are inevitable and the suicide rate in LGBT+ Christians is horrifically high.
You aren’t alone! Don’t be afraid to reach out to those who have walked away from church. It’s OK to ask taboo questions. It’s OK to deconstruct in whatever way you need. “God” is far bigger than any religion can contain.
Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
Beyond LGBTI+

Beyond LGBTI+

I’ve often written about the limitations of our sexuality and gender labelling and encouraged people to examine the the fluidity of it all. Of course, labelling is needed in terms of finding others who understand our particular needs and preferences, but we get stuck there, to our own detriment.

As the various scientific disciplines explore sexuality and gender, it’s becoming clearer that every single person on the planet is actually on a continuum of various sexuality and gender factors. And people are discovering that it’s possible to move along these different continua throughout our lives!

I just read an interesting article how women, in particular, are discovering same sex attraction in their late 30 and 40s, even though they have been happily “straight” up until then!

We are discovering so much about the biology of gender that almost every other day there’s more understanding of the nuances of our genetics and the chemistry that surrounds it. Nothing is as it used to be understood. The idea of “binary” gender is no longer valid.

Being a chronic idealist and dreamer, I long for us to embrace this as a species. I imagine a world where there really are no assumptions, no boundaries or expectations around any aspect of this core part of our being.

The only factor that needs any consideration in how we live this in a practical way is the birth and nurture of children. A womb is the only place a child can gestate, and a stable loving environment is the only place a child can grow.

I feel my goals and activities are shifting to enable this to become real. I need to put my money where my mouth is, as it were.

I’m actively looking at ways to educate/enlighten, and build communities based solely on unconditional love and support. I ache for a world beyond labels, where everyone is simply their unique selves.

I’ve found that most people, especially LGBTI+, long for the same thing, but regard it as nothing more than unachievable dream, and a waste of effort. But if no one even attempts this, how will we ever know?

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 0 comments