Abuse

Mar

2024

Helping loved ones with mental health

Today’s guest post is from Amber at
WriteAboutRecovery.com

It’s especially helpful for those of us trying to support those we love in the Rainbow community suffering from various mental health problems.

Silent Gays is a support and resource project designed to help LGBT+ people who have been through religious abuse deconstruct their beliefs and find healing, self-worth, and their own unique spirituality. Contact us today to learn more!

How to Help Your Loved One Address Mental Health Challenges

Dealing with mental health issues is far from easy. Whether your LGBTI+ loved one is dealing with depression, anxiety, substance abuse, bipolar illness, or other concerns, these conditions may seem daunting, but many can now be treated and managed successfully. The right treatment will provide your loved one with the tools and resources they need to meet their challenges, now and in the future. However, families making these decisions for their loved ones are often overwhelmed by the number of treatment options and amenities offered by different places. Silent Gays shares some key things to consider when selecting help for your loved one.

Staff Certifications

Mental health facilities employ trained and experienced staff who know the best ways to treat and support people on their journeys to wellness. Many treatment programs are run by passionate, empathetic people with big hearts, but these individuals may not have the expertise needed to give your loved one the treatment they need for long-term success.

Narrow your search to facilities that employ licensed social workers and those sensitive to the LGBTI+ community, as well as medical staff—these professionals have completed a Master of Social Work program at an accredited United States university. Even students who take online MSW programs must complete a period of field education, working at a health services agency, to gain real-world experience and skills.

Treatment Types

Many different types of treatment are available. A lot will depend on the issue your loved one is facing. AddictionHelp.com shows that medication-assisted therapy provides promising treatment outcomes, reducing the risk of relapse and preventing overdoses in cases of substance abuse. Some facilities incorporate physical activity, nutrition, or comprehensive therapies into their treatment plans to address more than addiction alone. In cases of depression, some similar methods may be used, and also may be supplemented by holistic therapies.

Simplify Healthy Living

Making smart choices in daily habits plays a crucial role in mental rehabilitation, emphasizing the importance of nutrition and physical activity. Incorporating healthy snacks, such as fruits, nuts, and yoghurt, can nourish the brain and enhance mood stability. Regular exercise, tailored to individual preferences and capabilities, not only boosts physical health but also significantly improves mental well-being by releasing endorphins and reducing stress.

Program Length and Cost

As you search for treatment best suited to your LGBTI+ family member, you’ll come across treatment programs of all lengths. In general, longer treatments tend to be more effective for substance abuse. Unfortunately, many insurance policies only cover about one month of rehab care, so finances can become a problem for many families. If cost is an issue, consider outpatient treatment. In an outpatient facility, your loved one can gain the benefits of long-term treatment without the high cost of inpatient care. It’s also critical that treatment programs incorporate some level of aftercare to help patients avoid relapse after treatment is complete.

Proximity to Friends and Family

While effective treatments and qualified staff play a crucial role in treatment of mental illness, a strong support network is also important. Social support can help people avoid feelings of loneliness and isolation, while providing a greater sense of purpose and optimism for the future. So you can continue providing support and care to your loved one while they go through treatment, try to pick a facility that’s close by.

On the other hand, your loved one may prefer to get far away from the environments and people they associate with difficulties. According to Turning Point of Tampa, there are several environmental influences that can affect recovery from addiction and other issues. For some people, an inpatient center in a calming, natural setting may be a better choice than an outpatient program closer to home. In the end, the best choice for your loved one will depend on their personal preferences—they’ll have the greatest chance of success if they’re in an environment where they feel comfortable and safe.

Provide a Healthy Home Base

While your loved one begins their treatment, consider working on making your home a pleasant place that encourages healthy habits. Start by cleaning and decluttering to remove negative energy. Set up spaces devoted to meditation and exercise, and set a good example by using these spaces for their intended purposes. Make sure your home has plenty of natural light, and open those curtains and blinds during the day. If natural light isn’t a possibility in your home, consider investing in a light therapy box. Your loved one’s doctor may have good suggestions on this, so be sure to check with them.

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Selecting the best mental health treatment for your LGBTI+ loved one can be a tough process. Be prepared to do plenty of research and ask lots of questions as you seek out the best options for your friend or family member. Remember to consider your loved one’s unique needs and desires to ensure a great fit between them and the treatment program.

Mar

2023

CT “forcing” Christian school to close

The passing of the legislation banning Conversion Therapy in New Zealand has been slow to see any noticeable change. But I didn’t quite see this coming:

Christian school closing down!

This was in the news last night, and I was quite surprised! And the news item suggests there could be more to follow. Basically, they say they “have” to close because they aren’t allowed to practice Conversion Therapy on the kids.

The interview with the school’s spokesperson quickly revealed how utterly ignorant they are of the facts around sexuality and gender, and stating that they “didn’t want an 18yo boy who is questioning his sexuality sharing the same toilet as a 5yo girl” shows how absurd their understanding of this really is.

But there is also a bigger picture in all this around “religious” schools and their entire ethos.

Is it really OK to allow kids to be completely indoctrinated to dogmatic religious beliefs that refuse any form of unbiased or balanced education on alternative beliefs and philosophies?

Is it acceptable that the only input they get on the incredibly complex issue of sexuality and gender is from the selective, white western interpretations of biblical scripture?

It all leads into some very difficult conversations about the rights we have, as parents, around how we educate our children to grow into adults who can truly benefit society, through understanding unconditional love, objective and rational thought and empathy. Are we allowing more and more division and polarisation by allowing these schools to create “us versus them” paradigms in children in their crucial formative years?

Time for some difficult discussions by those brave enough to have them.

Feb

2023

Conversion Therapy Workshops/Seminars

With the recent passing of the bill to ban Conversion Therapy, many are asking exactly what that means.

This workshop explains everything from the basics of what “LGBTI” is; the reason why religion has reviled it and the misunderstanding of biblical texts; what Conversion Therapy is and the damage it causes; what the legislation is all about and how to access support services.

Everyone is welcome, this is all about education and finding hope and help!

I will be running two free workshop/seminars in Auckland:

EVENT RESCHEDULED!

The first seminar in Auckland CBD has been rescheduled due to the cyclone forecast for the region.

New date: Friday 17th Feb, 6:30pm at Ellen Melville Centre, 2 Freyberg Pl, Aukland CBD)

Friday 24th Feb, 6pm at Te Manawa, 11 Kohuhu Lane, Westgate, Auckland

This event is a “safe space”. Abuse in any form will not be tolerated.

Click here for Pride Month event listing

Nov

2022

Conversion Therapy and the Elephant in the Room

Yesterday, I held a seminar on Conversion Therapy (CT). It was the first in 3 years, after Covid etc. A small turnout, but good engagement and discussions.

Every time I have discussions about the practicalities of confronting CT, sooner or later, it becomes obvious that there’s a large elephant in the room: Religious dogma.

How do we effectively reach those hidden in the churches, and help educate the churches themselves, when the doors are closed due to foundational doctrines and beliefs?

We can run education seminars and workshops, promote support services etc, till the cows come home, but if we can’t even get a chance to have the conversations with the religious leaders, and bring light to their dogmatic understanding of theology and scripture, very little will change.

Even those LGBT+ Christian leaders, theologians and scholars who are in the best position to do this, are rejected. When traditional dogma is threatened, no matter how loving and well-intentioned our efforts are, deep and insidious fears kick in.

Religious dogma (especially in the fundamentalist Abrahamic religions) relies on unquestioning allegiance to specific doctrines and scriptural interpretations, that must be protected at all costs to maintain the purity of the faith.

This comes from a complex psychological dynamic that humans use to create tribal security, safety, unity and stability and is part of a basic need, built in to us, and is essential to our survival. We are innately community focussed creatures.

But when these belief systems and structures become inflexible dogma, they begin to destroy the community. Slowly at first, but inevitably, those marginalised by these dogmas, begin to push back, and the community begins to fracture as more and more understand that humans are diverse, each with their own views and needs. Obviously, this is not just LGBT+ issues – it’s anything where a marginalised group is made “less than” in any way. We are currently seeing it in Iran, for example.

Eventually, there’s division, fighting, and splits. People leave to form new communities, but eventually new dogmas are created and the cycle continues.

But for LGBT+ people, they are generally the least of the least, the most hidden, and pushing back takes incredible time and energy, loss and trauma.

So how do we respond to the “elephant”?
How do we speak to dogma without appearing threatening?
How do we show the marginalised hiding within these communities that to question their dogma is not just OK, but healthy?
How do we talk to the leaders in a way that not just looks at the needs of LGBT+ people in their care, but also opens their hearts and eyes to the destructive reality of inflexible beliefs.
How do we show people that love, empathy, compassion, inclusion and acceptance, must be the foundation of any religious beliefs, not the other way round.

I have no answer, but we have to stop ignoring this very large and ugly elephant that keeps killing people.

Have the political footballs of “religious freedom” and “free speech” created so much fear, that “tolerance” has become the excuse to overlook and ignore?

Aug

2022

WTF is a deconstructed Christian?

“Deconstruction” is a big thing these days. And there seems to be a lot of confusion around what it really means. While it may be different for everyone, there’s a basic sort of process we tend to go through.

For LGBT+ people in particular, it can begin with questioning why the bible apparently seems to be so hard on us, especially given that it’s impossible to change who we are. This causes us to dig a bit deeper into what the bible says, and ends up with us realising that our interpretations and translations are the real problem.

For others, it can be some sort of abuse by church leaders, corruption, hypocrisy or any number of things that cause us to stop and think about what’s actually going on.

Ultimately, though, we begin to deconstruct when we question why we believe what we believe. We start asking difficult questions that we’d been ignoring, under the assumption that “God’s ways are higher than ours” so who are we to doubt God’s “word”? We can begin to question the integrity of our beliefs and how they realistically affect us and our relationships with others and the rest of the world.

Often, it involves simply looking at the rest of humanity and realising that no matter how hard we try, we will never “save” the world with our Christian beliefs. This in turn causes us to question the character of God – or at least, the God that we’ve been taught.

Some “deconstruct” to the point where they can feel comfortable with a more “liberal” form of Christianity, and live with a reasonable level of integrity, which could mean simplifying everything down to just “following Jesus”.

Some find that no mater how hard they try, Christianity in just about any form, is nothing more than the opinions of one particular culture from 2000 years ago. Many end up atheists.

But there’s also those who look for something “spiritual” that is more loving and inclusive. Something that embraces all people, no matter who they are, without conditions. Something, in fact, that looks more like love than Christian theology does!

Of course, there are some who completely deconstruct, and then re-construct Christianity in a way that works for them, that actually brings life and love.

It’s messy and everyone is different. Most importantly, it’s about asking questions and being completely fearless about where those questions may lead. It’s about recognising deep biases and conditioning, and being prepared to completely let go, knowing that truth, honesty and integrity will always allow us to find our way.

As for me – I totally deconstructed and walked away. It’s no longer in the slightest bit relevant to me. Yes, I had to work through religious abuse and the anger that brought. I now have my own beliefs, and can finally address Christianity in a way that isn’t destructive. But I will never go back there, simply because, once we have taken that step back, we see it for the mess that it really is. And is it really worth the effort to untangle that mess?

Jul

2022

HELP DESPERATELY NEEDED!

I’m occasionally approached by LGBT+ people in African nations who are utterly desperate to escape.

They have been abused, assaulted, imprisoned, tortured and have nowhere left to turn.

There are LGBT+ support services around the continent, but they are incredibly limited in what they can do. Money is the main factor, but there is also the simple issue that they also put themselves in danger by helping.

Most of us are in western countries, and although we certainly have our fair share of abuse and difficulties, it pales in comparison to places like the African nations.

The main cause of suffering is religion. Even though it may come from a particular society and political regime, religion is still at the core of it. It’s so often been something I feel helpless about, and offering online support, although well meaning, and providing a certain sense of “you are not alone”, is basically useless. Mental health is the least of your problems when you may be tortured or murdered.

Right at this moment, I’m trying to help a guy who’s contacted me, on the edge of suicide, in Tanzania. He is desperate and fears for his life – right now! He’s been a vocal and visual advocate in his country and is paying the price dearly. He has to get out, and is looking for a way urgently. He’s been trying for two years, and although there are organisations who can help, they don’t have the funds or resources to help everyone. There’s just not enough to go around.

I’m going to do all I can for this guy in particular, and hopefully get enough funds to provide immediate help. He’s actually provided a detailed breakdown of every step needed to escape to Kenya, and then relocate as a refugee, and has support from people in Kenya to do this. The amount he needs isn’t even that much ($686US). If you feel like helping, let me know, or just donate through Silent Gays website.

But the big picture is that countless LGBT+ people need our help, instead of endless articles and news items on how tough it is over there. I’m looking for one or two organisations who have a presence on the ground there, to support and I’d appreciate any advice on the most effective ones.

Please – let’s do this before more suffer and die!

Mar

2022

Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

I’ve been a friend of Cody’s for a few years now, and stood alongside him through his extremely difficult journey of “coming out of religion”. Cody’s story is no ordinary one, however, and he has asked me to write and share it on his behalf.

Cody is a 50 year old trans man (assigned female at birth, identifies as male). He also has cerebral palsy (CP) and lives in an assisted living house with 24/7 care. He’s also adopted. His adoptive family are fundamentalist pentecostal Christians. He’s a survivor of sexual abuse, as a baby and on through childhood and as an adult. He suffered a range of physical and psychological abuses as a teenager in the care of Wilson Home in Auckland, and on into adult life. All of this created a “perfect storm” for serious mental health issues.

His journey, then, has been that of leaving abusive religion, facing a complete lack of love at any stage in his life, coming to terms with his gender identity, and finding who he really is, all exacerbated by his CP.

Although his adoptive parents had the best of intentions, and tirelessly provided for his physical wellbeing, they were incapable of providing him with the genuine, unconditional love he desperately needed as a young child and on through the rest of his life. The reasons for this are, of course, complex, but the most damaging has been the religious indoctrination present in the pentecostal church, which was echoed in his family life.

He was constantly made aware of his sinful nature, and as he grew he was pushed more and more to be “responsible” for sinful thoughts and actions in a way that constantly destroyed any sense of self-worth, which was pretty much non-existent from the start anyway.

He was sexually abused by an older adopted brother at the age of 12. His family did what they could to some extent, but much of the blame went on him and they eventually brushed it all under the carpet of family shame. This was the event that led them to placing him in full time care, to ostensibly give some space between him and his brother. His brother went on to be convicted of multiple rapes and has spent many years in prison.

This is just the tip of the iceberg though. Every aspect of his religious family upbringing dealt blow after blow of self loathing, inadequacy and failure, leading to behaviours that echo the desperate need for love that was never met – depression, anxiety, psychosis, self harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders… the fact that he’s survived this long is a testimony to his dogged resilience! But as you can imagine, the cost has been catastrophic.

He’s recently taken the massive step to walk away from church and renounce his faith, and to distance himself from his family. He’s decided that making a clean break is the only way to move forward. But this decision hasn’t come easily! To resist the indoctrination of a lifetime of fundamentalism, while still trying to maintain contact with the church community and friends, is impossible. Walking away from this, in reality, has taken a few years! So many attempts ended in giving in to the pressure, guilt and shame, returning to his abusers in a type of Stockholm Syndrome. The ongoing legacy of this religion will take time to unravel, as the layers of abuse are peeled away, but each layer removed allows love to enter.

So Cody is now free to start his life as a gay man! His dream is to begin physical transitioning, although he recognises the medical difficulties due to his disability.

His passion is to bring to light, the traumatic lives of LGBT+ people with disabilities – the complete lack of support in institutions, the ignorance of sexuality and gender issues within staff and clients, the bullying and shaming and the unwillingness of institutions to even acknowledge the sexual needs of those with disabilities in general. His other passion is helping those with Religious Trauma Syndrome.

You can join him on his journey on LinkedIn and Facebook

Aug

2021

Pray Away – first impressions

I just watched the new Netflix movie Pray Away

I though I’d give some first impressions/reactions before taking some time to consider the deeper implications.

Very powerful, well produced, sensitive and respectful and yet very pointed in it’s premise.

As someone who spent 40 years of their life living this lie, I related to just about everything they presented. I was a desperate young man, looking to understand what was wrong with me and willing to try anything.

I even ended up became a leader in Living Waters, while still living a life of fear, shame and guilt, underscored by depression and suicide ideation. The movie presents this dynamic very intimately through the lives of a few of the key leaders of Exodus.

However, I don’t think it went anywhere near far enough into the complexities of this issue. But perhaps I feel that way because I’ve already worked through so much of it already. I guess the film could be viewed as a wake up call – an introduction that invites us to dig deeper.

For me, it wasn’t just reconciling my sexuality with my faith however. My faith was an integral part of everything I’d experienced, and clinging to Jesus was all that kept me alive. But the destruction ex-gay practices brought on my mind and life also directly affected my beliefs, to the point where they no longer had any validity. This film actually caused me to feel sad for those survivors who still cling to the faith that tried to destroy them. Of course, I know theologies and doctrines that successfully reconcile these issues, but the fact that this could even happen caused me to look outside the box of my dogmas and experiences.

So yeah, great film, and I know many will be inspired and set free by the bravery of those who spoke out. I think it will be a huge catalyst to freeing countless LGBT+ people, and exposing the doctrines of fundamentalist religion.

For me, its brought up some old wounds that need to be addressed, but its also inspired me to keep going deeper, and exposing the entire belief system that allows humans to be treated like this in the first place.

Jun

2021

Silent Gays is growing!

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

help@silentgays.com

Since starting Silent Gays a few years ago, I’ve mostly spent my time focussing on Facebook groups and messaging, but the reality is it’s a very limited audience and there is a huge need to reach those who don’t want to go on social media to look for help on religious abuse and conversion therapy issues. Privacy and discretion is hard to find on social media at the best of times, and this helps solve that problem!

The new email service is monitored by a small team of volunteers, each with their own areas of expertise, who have been through sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts, and have a passion to help others find a way through the mess.

I’ve also updated the website to focus around the CORE Book and Workbook. These have been the foundation of Silent Gays but have tended to get lost in the mix as it were. The books and the help email now have centre stage on the site.

Please take a few minutes to check out the site and grab a copy of the CORE book (digital formats only – no hardcopies, as yet). If you genuinely can’t afford it, let me know and I’ll send you a voucher for a free copy.

Apr

2021

Looking for Survivors

The progress of the Conversion Therapy legislation in New Zealand is looking good.

But we need input from you!

The problem is that “Conversion Therapy” has been presented as something extreme. Recent movies and docos have painted some grim pictures, and rightly so!

But the reality is far more subtle and insidious, and we know there are thousands out there who are unaware that they’ve been subject to religious practices and beliefs that are just as harmful as the full on stuff we’ve seen. Part of this effort involves shifting the term “Conversion Therapy” to SOGICE (Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Change Efforts) as it more accurately describes the the scope of the issue.

Silent Gays will be working with SOGICE survivors and Brave to host some safe, private zoom gatherings to share experiences, learn about the advocacy space, and talk about support.

The first step is presenting three specific questions to help you understand the scope of the practices. These are:

Have you been part of a faith community where you were told that you were broken, disordered or in need of healing because of your gender or sexual identity?
Have you been offered prayer, counselling, pastoral care or rituals which seek to change or suppress your sexual or gender identity?
Have you been part of a formal or informal faith-based program which tried to engage the ‘reasons’ for your gay, bi, lesbian, trans, queer or ace identity or ‘support’ you to live as a straight, cisgender person?

You’ll notice that we aren’t simply asking if you’ve been through some form of conversion therapy. This is simply because most people just don’t think in those terms.

We are looking at ways to ask these questions of the broader community, but I’m putting this out now for your consideration, and by all means, feel free to prepare as detailed a response as you like, or just sit with the idea for now.

There is no pressure, and all information is strictly confidential.

email info@silentgays.com

Abuse

Helping loved ones with mental health

Today’s guest post is from Amber at
WriteAboutRecovery.com

How to Help Your Loved One Address Mental Health Challenges

Staff Certifications

Treatment Types

Simplify Healthy Living

Program Length and Cost

Proximity to Friends and Family

Provide a Healthy Home Base

CT “forcing” Christian school to close

Conversion Therapy Workshops/Seminars

Conversion Therapy and the Elephant in the Room

WTF is a deconstructed Christian?

HELP DESPERATELY NEEDED!

Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

Pray Away – first impressions

Silent Gays is growing!

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

help@silentgays.com

Looking for Survivors

Latest blogs

The story behind Silent Gays

Pages

Today’s guest post is from Amber at WriteAboutRecovery.com

How to Help Your Loved One Address Mental Health Challenges

Staff Certifications

Treatment Types

Simplify Healthy Living

Program Length and Cost

Proximity to Friends and Family

Provide a Healthy Home Base

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

Latest blogs

The story behind Silent Gays

Today’s guest post is from Amber at
WriteAboutRecovery.com