The curse of sacrificial love

The curse of sacrificial love

 

Give, give, give…
Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice…

Always prefer others, put them first. Love is sacrificial, it doesn’t come naturally, we have to work on it.

In serving others we build our own self worth through our disciplined efforts.

If we truly want to make the world a better place we must exercise compassion and treat others with respect and dignity.

Self discipline is the only way to bring change to ourselves – we must watch our every thought and action…

Blah, blah, blah.

I call bullshit!

Until we truly love and embrace ourselves – fully and unconditionally – without judgement or expectation – simply realising that we are exactly as we should/could be – all our attempts to be better/loving/compassionate/caring etc, are just smoke and mirrors!

All that stuff about sacrificing and putting others first constantly represses and denies the very thing we are desperate for – the very thing we are trying to give to others, but deny ourselves – unconditional love!

We live in the vain subconscious hope that we will receive this if we focus on giving – more and more and more…

Or perhaps our self discipline will please our favourite deity so they will magically make us happy and provide the love we need by mystical osmosis.

George Bernard Shaw said “Self sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing”. Ouch!

What are we really afraid of?

We think that the moment we start to give ourselves the attention we really need, we’ll become selfish, hedonistic and even narcissistic. After all, doesn’t the bible say that our hearts are corrupt and no one is capable of anything good? This insidious lie has crept through most of our cultures to the point where it’s completely accepted as the way it should be. So because of this, our only hope is to sacrifice our needs and to be humble, because God loves a humble heart. But despite our best efforts to convince ourselves otherwise, this is an endless cycle of self repression through fear. Yes FEAR!!

However, unless we stop the endless sacrifice, and love ourselves first and foremost, all our efforts are shallow and do nothing more than actually feed our “ego” – making us feel good, almost vicariously through our “humble” actions. We never actually change, we just get better at deluding ourselves.

Here’s something worth trying:
Love yourself in the same way you know others need to be loved.
Love yourself as you crave to be loved.
Embrace yourself as you would embrace a lover, who, when you look into their eyes, you only see their incredible worth and beauty.
Give to yourself as if you were the most stunningly amazing person you know.

When that happens – when the penny drops – when we see ourselves in that light – our love for others will naturally flow from us – without effort – like water from an endless river.

We are what we’ve been looking for.

NO external source – no God – no person – no thing – can substitute for this.

Imagine a world where we all know how wonderful we are, and see exactly the same wonder and beauty in everyone and everything else. No need to sacrifice anything. Does a river sacrifice anything to flow and nourish everything around it? When we see ourselves as this endless river of life and love, we can’t help but see everything else the same way.

But, but…  you don’t know me, you don’t know how dreadful I really am. You don’t know how broken I am. You have no idea! I know beyond a doubt that I’m nothing but shit.

Who told you that? Why do you believe it? Seriously? Why? And who said you can’t be any different? Your God? Your family? Friends? Society? Church?

Try it. Face the fear and step past it. Look in the mirror and see that you are what you’ve always been looking for. Allow yourself to live loved!!

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 0 comments
Conversion Therapy – The Real Battle

Conversion Therapy – The Real Battle

 

(Although this blog is in regard to the passing of the anti-conversion therapy legislation currently happening in New Zealand, the issues are universal)

For those of us who have been through Conversion Therapy (CT), the issue is pretty clear – ban it!

But of course, the devil is in the detail, and boy are there some details!

Now I’m not really talking about the details of the legislation itself, although there are areas that need cleaning up and redefining etc. and there are others who have a really good handle on this.

I’m talking about far deeper implications and the paradigms that exist around the entire topic.

There are two main areas that CT can be addressed through – religious beliefs and human rights. There are cultural considerations, but they are mostly driven by these two foundations.

Human rights are reasonably obvious as most humans recognise our rights to “be who we are” within the constraints of inflicting harm on others.

But the religious aspect is an extremely large can of worms and the water can become very muddy when we try to use those worms to fish in the deep waters of religious beliefs. In fact, to do justice to the topic would require an entire book, so I’ll try to keep it specific.

Ultimately, it comes down to interpretation of the bible. After we peel away all the issues around religious freedom the whole thing hinges on “what does the bible say” and for most Christians, the bible appears to be very clear; being LGBT+ is wrong, and by wrong I mean anything from a sin that God can free us from to an abomination that God despises and condemns to hell.

For those of us who have done the hard work, we know that there is an entirely valid interpretation of scripture using concise exegetics and theology that completely reverse that interpretation. But for many Christians, they won’t even consider the possibility. So this is where the battle will always end up – always!!

We will get this bill passed, but the religious traditionalists will fight to the death to conserve their scriptures and will use whatever tactics they can to undermine the human rights aspects and morality of your average church goer/Christian, convinced they are doing God’s work.

This will be promoted through the new face of CT, where being LGBT+ is just another sin that a loving God will help us through. Or there’s the approach where it’s absolutely OK but we are called to celibacy. These approaches do have biblical support, and it would be foolish of us to think they don’t.

At the end of the day, we are faced with the difficult fact that the bible has, for as long as it’s been around, been interpreted in vastly conflicting ways. There are literally thousands of denominations, sects and cults, all claiming they alone have the true interpretation of scripture as revealed by God.

So we must chose our battles wisely. If you are addressing fundamentalists on biblical issues, make sure you know your stuff, because they do! Also be aware that they believe they are expressing God’s love for us by freeing us from sin. Far too often, I’ve seen well meaning LGBT+ folks attempting to present biblical arguments and only ending up looking foolish and actually reinforcing the views of the opposition. It’s often wiser to walk away.

We’ll win this battle, but the “war” is far from over.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 0 comments
Pray Away – first impressions

Pray Away – first impressions

 

I just watched the new Netflix movie Pray Away

I though I’d give some first impressions/reactions before taking some time to consider the deeper implications.

Very powerful, well produced, sensitive and respectful and yet very pointed in it’s premise.

As someone who spent 40 years of their life living this lie, I related to just about everything they presented. I was a desperate young man, looking to understand what was wrong with me and willing to try anything.

I even ended up became a leader in Living Waters, while still living a life of fear, shame and guilt, underscored by depression and suicide ideation. The movie presents this dynamic very intimately through the lives of a few of the key leaders of Exodus.

However, I don’t think it went anywhere near far enough into the complexities of this issue. But perhaps I feel that way because I’ve already worked through so much of it already. I guess the film could be viewed as a wake up call – an introduction that invites us to dig deeper.

For me, it wasn’t just reconciling my sexuality with my faith however. My faith was an integral part of everything I’d experienced, and clinging to Jesus was all that kept me alive. But the destruction ex-gay practices brought on my mind and life also directly affected my beliefs, to the point where they no longer had any validity. This film actually caused me to feel sad for those survivors who still cling to the faith that tried to destroy them. Of course, I know theologies and doctrines that successfully reconcile these issues, but the fact that this could even happen caused me to look outside the box of my dogmas and experiences.

So yeah, great film, and I know many will be inspired and set free by the bravery of those who spoke out. I think it will be a huge catalyst to freeing countless LGBT+ people, and exposing the doctrines of fundamentalist religion.

For me, its brought up some old wounds that need to be addressed, but its also inspired me to keep going deeper, and exposing the entire belief system that allows humans to be treated like this in the first place.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Conversion Therapy, Mental Health, 0 comments

The Mental Health Dilemma

I thought I’d have a go at doing video blogs!!

So here’s my very first, and hopefully not the last!


Here’s the transcript for your reading pleasure.

The mental health dilemma

“Mental health” has become one of the hottest topics in the world!

There’s little doubt that there are more suicides, greater rates of depression and related issues than any time in recorded history.

Our advances in psychiatry, neurology and related disciplines, has led the way to an incredible depth of understanding around how the mind works at every level. We are learning more about the mechanics of the brain almost daily.

We know for sure that the stresses of the modern world put pressures on us that we simply are not built to handle.

On the other hand, chronically stressful situations (trauma, abuse, war, disease etc) have been part of the human condition since day one, so it’s nothing new.

So are all our new understandings and treatments actually helping?

Good question! And I am yet to find any empirical research on this – assuming it’s even possible to research in the first place.

Personally, I’ve battled with mental health issues all my life – relating to being gay and having ADHD. But these specific issues (and countless others) have only been regarded as problems in more recent times.

There has always been LGBT+ people, and historically, it’s never been regarded as a mental health problem until the advent of psychiatry! Sure, it’s been treated in many weird and wonderful ways, but never in terms of a mental issue that had to be cured.

The same goes for ADHD, even more so! Historically, there were simply people who thought and interacted with the world differently. There wasn’t anything wrong with them, they were just different, usually more creative and eccentric, and were generally given the space to be what they were.

But now, we are so obsessed with creating “normal” people that we apply labels to anything that doesn’t fit this magical “normal” and then do everything we can to fix it.

In our efforts to understand, we’ve created an obsession. Those who don’t fit “normal” become fearful that our labels won’t allow us to function in society – that we’ll be rejected and alienated. We are encouraged to seek help that will somehow make our brains work the same as everyone else’s, building a background of shame that brings even more problems.

I’m not dissing modern psychology and neuro science at all. But I am saying that we’ve created an unreal and destructive precedent.

One of the single most important factors I’ve found when helping others (most notably with LGBT and Neuro-diverse issues) is letting them know they aren’t broken and don’t need fixing.

When this sinks in, it empowers us to make conscious decisions around how much we really want to fit in, and how much we want to simply be how we are, and let the rest of the world get used to it.

For me, finally accepting that I’m gay and that is absolutely OK, empowered me to find my niche – without having to fit into any stereotypes or expectations on either side of the issue.

The same for ADHD – it’s how my brain works. It’s wonderful and creative and allows me to see the world and life in a totally unique way. Once I accepted that (and all the implications) I was empowered to decide how much I wanted to be “normal” or whether it was fine to be me – gloriously eccentric, unorganised and creative, and let the rest of the world figure out how they should respond to that.

Of course, it’s a work in progress. I still succumb to performance anxiety, trying to meet other’s expectations. I catch myself procrastinating because of a deep sense of failure, after being told all my life I don’t do things the “right way”, which causes me to not even try.

But I’m getting better every day!

So my point is this.

Don’t get lost in the labels. Don’t allow fear and shame to drive you into a life of either constant failure and rejection, or an obsession with trying to fit in through endless therapy and drugs.

Despite all the amazing breakthroughs that mental health research has brought, we are still the masters of our own lives. We don’t have to “fit in” just because we’ve been told we have to.

Accept yourself. Be you – gloriously and messily you. And if you feel you need to seek help to function within our dysfunctional society, then that choice is yours – no on else’s!

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
Silent Gays is growing!

Silent Gays is growing!

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

help@silentgays.com

Since starting Silent Gays a few years ago, I’ve mostly spent my time focussing on Facebook groups and messaging, but the reality is it’s a very limited audience and there is a huge need to reach those who don’t want to go on social media to look for help on religious abuse and conversion therapy issues. Privacy and discretion is hard to find on social media at the best of times, and this helps solve that problem!

The new email service is monitored by a small team of volunteers, each with their own areas of expertise, who have been through sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts, and have a passion to help others find a way through the mess.

I’ve also updated the website to focus around the CORE Book and Workbook. These have been the foundation of Silent Gays but have tended to get lost in the mix as it were. The books and the help email now have centre stage on the site.

Please take a few minutes to check out the site and grab a copy of the CORE book (digital formats only – no hardcopies, as yet). If you genuinely can’t afford it, let me know and I’ll send you a voucher for a free copy.

 

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Conversion Therapy, Mental Health, 0 comments
Do your beliefs really work?

Do your beliefs really work?

 

Does your belief system actually “work”?

Are your spiritual/religious beliefs genuinely beneficial to you, those around you and the rest of the world?

Have you ever stopped to assess this?

Do they bring you real peace and joy, not just “good feelings” or a sense of knowing the “real truth”, but seriously bring a depth that transforms your mental health, brings life and peace to those around you and empowers you to see every single human as unconditionally loved?

Do your beliefs empower you not to discriminate against others on the basis of their beliefs, race, gender or sexuality?

Do your beliefs genuinely transform your troubled mind, still the deep traumas, satisfy the grief, quieten the rage, relieve the depression or sooth the anxiety?

If you answered no, not really, not exactly…  then you need to be brave enough to question them – seriously question them.

What do we want from our beliefs? Is there a better way?

Never be afraid to question everything!

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 0 comments
Too tired to engage

Too tired to engage

The only way to successfully communicate with fundamentalist Christians is through heart felt empathy – from our part. It seems this is the only way to find a crack in their armour, where they see our humanity, vulnerability and heart.
But I must confess, even then it’s an uphill battle.
Sadly for far too many, it’s too late for us to engage in any meaningful way. So many of us LGBT+ people have decided that we can no longer embrace our faith and are looking for safe spaces to deconstruct.
Many are too afraid to publicly admit that they no longer hold to the traditional Christian theology and doctrines, but remain because they have nowhere else to go!
The church community can be such a strong pull that to walk away feels like dying. They are suffering in a place of complete cognitive dissonance – the “silent gays” – hiding their true identity, living in fear, wearing the mask.
For many LGBT+ people struggling to maintain their faith, they are too tired. They are emotionally damaged to the point where the thought of engaging in the ways that require emotional vulnerability and compassion are just another load on top of what they already carry.
Although I personally try to engage traditionalists with empathy and compassion, I far too often find it exhausting and frustrating. I’m learning to walk away a little more graciously these days, but I have my moments!
This is a huge reality, and causes intense silent suffering. Mental health issues are inevitable and the suicide rate in LGBT+ Christians is horrifically high.
You aren’t alone! Don’t be afraid to reach out to those who have walked away from church. It’s OK to ask taboo questions. It’s OK to deconstruct in whatever way you need. “God” is far bigger than any religion can contain.
Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
Looking for Survivors

Looking for Survivors

 

The progress of the Conversion Therapy legislation in New Zealand is looking good.

But we need input from you!

The problem is that “Conversion Therapy” has been presented as something extreme. Recent movies and docos have painted some grim pictures, and rightly so!

But the reality is far more subtle and insidious, and we know there are thousands out there who are unaware that they’ve been subject to religious practices and beliefs that are just as harmful as the full on stuff we’ve seen. Part of this effort involves shifting the term “Conversion Therapy” to SOGICE (Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Change Efforts) as it more accurately describes the the scope of the issue.

Silent Gays will be working with SOGICE survivors and Brave to host some safe, private zoom gatherings to share experiences, learn about the advocacy space, and talk about support.

The first step is presenting three specific questions to help you understand the scope of the practices. These are:

  1. Have you been part of a faith community where you were told that you were broken, disordered or in need of healing because of your gender or sexual identity?
  2. Have you been offered prayer, counselling, pastoral care or rituals which seek to change or suppress your sexual or gender identity?
  3. Have you been part of a formal or informal faith-based program which tried to engage the ‘reasons’ for your gay, bi, lesbian, trans, queer or ace identity or ‘support’ you to live as a straight, cisgender person?

You’ll notice that we aren’t simply asking if you’ve been through some form of conversion therapy. This is simply because most people just don’t think in those terms.

We are looking at ways to ask these questions of the broader community, but I’m putting this out now for your consideration, and by all means, feel free to prepare as detailed a response as you like, or just sit with the idea for now.

There is no pressure, and all information is strictly confidential.

email info@silentgays.com

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Conversion Therapy, Mental Health, 3 comments
It’s Not Just Conversion Therapy

It’s Not Just Conversion Therapy

 

A friend made this comment that really encapsulates the depth of the issues for LGBT+ people around religious abuse and the implications of banning CT and hate speech.

The deep seated guilt and shame for LGBT+ Christians isn’t easily solved by just joining an affirming church or finding new friends.

Part of the difficulty is that the guilt is applied well before it gets to the “conversion therapy” stage as the teaching is woven throughout the belief system for everyone. In the church I grew up in during the 60’s and 70’s, there was little anti-gay stuff spoken directly from the pulpit but it was implied and inferred. There was a little more said at home (probably in answer to questions about what did the Pastor mean when . . . ) but somehow one was very clearly taught that anything except heterosexual monogamous marriage was the only acceptable way to do relationships.
This screws up everyone’s thinking if they have any degree of LGBTQIA attributes – the guilt and sense of brokenness is inherent even without going to conversion therapy.
As Gay Activism got louder through the 70s, the anti-gay theme began showing up more obviously in church teachings, and one buried one’s unacceptable sexuality even further, and took in the anti-gay mantel too.
Even though not subject to overt applied conversion therapy, every person that fellowships in these church activities is subject to subtle implied conversion therapy.
How does one legislate against that?
Hate speech, no, they’re too subtle for that. One of the last church services I attended at the ‘radical centre’ church I attended, stated that if a homosexual couple came into the church they would be welcome and accepted – but that a marriage would not be performed in the church or by that pastor.
So – they have worked out ways around the hate speech laws.
This is fast becoming the church’s normal way of dealing with it all – bigotry and hypocrisy with a welcoming smile and knife in the back.
We still have a long way to go.
Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
An “Ex-Detransitioner” Disavows the Anti-Trans Movement She Helped Spark

An “Ex-Detransitioner” Disavows the Anti-Trans Movement She Helped Spark

 

With the “anti-conversion therapy” legislation happening in New Zealand this year, I’ve been putting in a lot of extra research into the problem areas being raised.

One of these is the issue around Trans people and the rhetoric pushed by TERFs and de-transitioners. Despite the fact that they are a very small percentage, they have a load voice.

This is the best article about the whole topic I’ve seen so far and I strongly recommend it to anyone struggling with some of the questions around transitioning being raised by some radicals.

(Link below to original article)

An “Ex-Detransitioner” Disavows the Anti-Trans Movement She Helped Spark

 

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Conversion Therapy, 0 comments