Helping loved ones with mental health

Helping loved ones with mental health

Today’s guest post is from Amber at
WriteAboutRecovery.com

It’s especially helpful for those of us trying to support those we love in the Rainbow community suffering from various mental health problems.

 

Silent Gays is a support and resource project designed to help LGBT+ people who have been through religious abuse deconstruct their beliefs and find healing, self-worth, and their own unique spirituality. Contact us today to learn more!

How to Help Your Loved One Address Mental Health Challenges

Dealing with mental health issues is far from easy. Whether your LGBTI+ loved one is dealing with depression, anxiety, substance abuse, bipolar illness, or other concerns, these conditions may seem daunting, but many can now be treated and managed successfully. The right treatment will provide your loved one with the tools and resources they need to meet their challenges, now and in the future. However, families making these decisions for their loved ones are often overwhelmed by the number of treatment options and amenities offered by different places. Silent Gays shares some key things to consider when selecting help for your loved one.

Staff Certifications

Mental health facilities employ trained and experienced staff who know the best ways to treat and support people on their journeys to wellness. Many treatment programs are run by passionate, empathetic people with big hearts, but these individuals may not have the expertise needed to give your loved one the treatment they need for long-term success.

Narrow your search to facilities that employ licensed social workers and those sensitive to the LGBTI+ community, as well as medical staff—these professionals have completed a Master of Social Work program at an accredited United States university. Even students who take online MSW programs must complete a period of field education, working at a health services agency, to gain real-world experience and skills.

Treatment Types

Many different types of treatment are available. A lot will depend on the issue your loved one is facing. AddictionHelp.com shows that medication-assisted therapy provides promising treatment outcomes, reducing the risk of relapse and preventing overdoses in cases of substance abuse. Some facilities incorporate physical activity, nutrition, or comprehensive therapies into their treatment plans to address more than addiction alone. In cases of depression, some similar methods may be used, and also may be supplemented by holistic therapies.

Simplify Healthy Living

Making smart choices in daily habits plays a crucial role in mental rehabilitation, emphasizing the importance of nutrition and physical activity. Incorporating healthy snacks, such as fruits, nuts, and yoghurt, can nourish the brain and enhance mood stability. Regular exercise, tailored to individual preferences and capabilities, not only boosts physical health but also significantly improves mental well-being by releasing endorphins and reducing stress.

Program Length and Cost

As you search for treatment best suited to your LGBTI+ family member, you’ll come across treatment programs of all lengths. In general, longer treatments tend to be more effective for substance abuse. Unfortunately, many insurance policies only cover about one month of rehab care, so finances can become a problem for many families. If cost is an issue, consider outpatient treatment. In an outpatient facility, your loved one can gain the benefits of long-term treatment without the high cost of inpatient care. It’s also critical that treatment programs incorporate some level of aftercare to help patients avoid relapse after treatment is complete.

Proximity to Friends and Family

While effective treatments and qualified staff play a crucial role in treatment of mental illness, a strong support network is also important. Social support can help people avoid feelings of loneliness and isolation, while providing a greater sense of purpose and optimism for the future. So you can continue providing support and care to your loved one while they go through treatment, try to pick a facility that’s close by.

On the other hand, your loved one may prefer to get far away from the environments and people they associate with difficulties. According to Turning Point of Tampa, there are several environmental influences that can affect recovery from addiction and other issues. For some people, an inpatient center in a calming, natural setting may be a better choice than an outpatient program closer to home. In the end, the best choice for your loved one will depend on their personal preferences—they’ll have the greatest chance of success if they’re in an environment where they feel comfortable and safe.

Provide a Healthy Home Base

While your loved one begins their treatment, consider working on making your home a pleasant place that encourages healthy habits. Start by cleaning and decluttering to remove negative energy. Set up spaces devoted to meditation and exercise, and set a good example by using these spaces for their intended purposes. Make sure your home has plenty of natural light, and open those curtains and blinds during the day. If natural light isn’t a possibility in your home, consider investing in a light therapy box. Your loved one’s doctor may have good suggestions on this, so be sure to check with them.

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Selecting the best mental health treatment for your LGBTI+ loved one can be a tough process. Be prepared to do plenty of research and ask lots of questions as you seek out the best options for your friend or family member. Remember to consider your loved one’s unique needs and desires to ensure a great fit between them and the treatment program.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
CT “forcing” Christian school to close

CT “forcing” Christian school to close

The passing of the legislation banning Conversion Therapy in New Zealand has been slow to see any noticeable change. But I didn’t quite see this coming:

Christian school closing down!

This was in the news last night, and I was quite surprised! And the news item suggests there could be more to follow. Basically, they say they “have” to close because they aren’t allowed to practice Conversion Therapy on the kids.

The interview with the school’s spokesperson quickly revealed how utterly ignorant they are of the facts around sexuality and gender, and stating that they “didn’t want an 18yo boy who is questioning his sexuality sharing the same toilet as a 5yo girl” shows how absurd their understanding of this really is.

But there is also a bigger picture in all this around “religious” schools and their entire ethos.

Is it really OK to allow kids to be completely indoctrinated to dogmatic religious beliefs that refuse any form of unbiased or balanced education on alternative beliefs and philosophies?

Is it acceptable that the only input they get on the incredibly complex issue of sexuality and gender is from the selective, white western interpretations of biblical scripture?

It all leads into some very difficult conversations about the rights we have, as parents, around how we educate our children to grow into adults who can truly benefit society, through understanding unconditional love, objective and rational thought and empathy. Are we allowing more and more division and polarisation by allowing these schools to create “us versus them” paradigms in children in their crucial formative years?

Time for some difficult discussions by those brave enough to have them.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Conversion Therapy, 0 comments
Conversion Therapy Workshops/Seminars

Conversion Therapy Workshops/Seminars

With the recent passing of the bill to ban Conversion Therapy, many are asking exactly what that means.

This workshop explains everything from the basics of what “LGBTI” is; the reason why religion has reviled it and the misunderstanding of biblical texts; what Conversion Therapy is and the damage it causes; what the legislation is all about and how to access support services.

Everyone is welcome, this is all about education and finding hope and help!

I will be running two free workshop/seminars in Auckland:

EVENT RESCHEDULED!

The first seminar in Auckland CBD has been rescheduled due to the cyclone forecast for the region.

New date: Friday 17th Feb, 6:30pm at Ellen Melville Centre, 2 Freyberg Pl, Aukland CBD)

Friday 24th Feb, 6pm at Te Manawa, 11 Kohuhu Lane, Westgate, Auckland

 

This event is a “safe space”. Abuse in any form will not be tolerated.

Click here for Pride Month event listing

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Conversion Therapy, Mental Health, News, 0 comments
Conversion Therapy and the Elephant in the Room

Conversion Therapy and the Elephant in the Room

Yesterday, I held a seminar on Conversion Therapy (CT). It was the first in 3 years, after Covid etc. A small turnout, but good engagement and discussions.

Every time I have discussions about the practicalities of confronting CT, sooner or later, it becomes obvious that there’s a large elephant in the room: Religious dogma.

How do we effectively reach those hidden in the churches, and help educate the churches themselves, when the doors are closed due to foundational doctrines and beliefs?

We can run education seminars and workshops, promote support services etc, till the cows come home, but if we can’t even get a chance to have the conversations with the religious leaders, and bring light to their dogmatic understanding of theology and scripture, very little will change.

Even those LGBT+ Christian leaders, theologians and scholars who are in the best position to do this, are rejected. When traditional dogma is threatened, no matter how loving and well-intentioned our efforts are, deep and insidious fears kick in.

Religious dogma (especially in the fundamentalist Abrahamic religions) relies on unquestioning allegiance to specific doctrines and scriptural interpretations, that must be protected at all costs to maintain the purity of the faith.

This comes from a complex psychological dynamic that humans use to create tribal security, safety, unity and stability and is part of a basic need, built in to us, and is essential to our survival. We are innately community focussed creatures.

But when these belief systems and structures become inflexible dogma, they begin to destroy the community. Slowly at first, but inevitably, those marginalised by these dogmas, begin to push back, and the community begins to fracture as more and more understand that humans are diverse, each with their own views and needs. Obviously, this is not just LGBT+ issues – it’s anything where a marginalised group is made “less than” in any way. We are currently seeing it in Iran, for example.

Eventually, there’s division, fighting, and splits. People leave to form new communities, but eventually new dogmas are created and the cycle continues.

But for LGBT+ people, they are generally the least of the least, the most hidden, and pushing back takes incredible time and energy, loss and trauma.

So how do we respond to the “elephant”?
How do we speak to dogma without appearing threatening?
How do we show the marginalised hiding within these communities that to question their dogma is not just OK, but healthy?
How do we talk to the leaders in a way that not just looks at the needs of LGBT+ people in their care, but also opens their hearts and eyes to the destructive reality of inflexible beliefs.
How do we show people that love, empathy, compassion, inclusion and acceptance, must be the foundation of any religious beliefs, not the other way round.

I have no answer, but we have to stop ignoring this very large and ugly elephant that keeps killing people.

Have the political footballs of “religious freedom” and “free speech” created so much fear, that “tolerance” has become the excuse to overlook and ignore?

 

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Conversion Therapy, Mental Health, 4 comments
A worthy cause??

A worthy cause??

I’ve really hesitated about writing this. I’ve always tried to be transparent with Silent Gays and how I work, so in the end I thought I should share this.

The last thing I want to do is guilt trip people – seriously, I hate it when I see those sorts of posts in social media and money-begging emails. You know what I mean!

So how do we ask for financial help in a way that gets people to respond, without using emotional manipulation?

Here’s the thing…

The guy I’ve been helping escape from Tanzania (from horrific life threatening LGBT persecution) has been something of a “project” for me (although that does sound a bit dehumanising).

You may recall, I’ve posted regular updates on where he’s at and his current needs. He’s been absolutely honest and transparent with me every step of the way. He’s shared personal videos of what he’s faced – his fears and joys through it all. However, he’s still got a way to go, as he faces never ending obstacles from homophobic authorities – despite his rights to refugee status.

I asked for financial help, because that’s where the rubber hits the road. Giving him “thoughts and prayers” isn’t going to save his life. I received around $300 from four generous people, for which I’m very grateful. I personally committed to help no matter what. This has meant I’ve used over $1200 of my savings and I’m about to put in another $500 or so to help him get to the Kakuma Refugee Camp and pay for all the hoops he has to jump through to stay in the refugee camp on the other side of Kenya. But he’s very scared, because the camp has a very bad reputation for LGBT abuse.

Despite this, I’m no longer going to ask for money – I’m sick of it, and I guess everyone else is.

However, I’m not bitter or angry about the lack of response and support at all. But I’m very disappointed. Disappointed that fellow humans would calmly ignore this. Disappointed that I have done the same on many occasions. Disappointed that anything that comes from African nations is regarded as a scam or rip-off (which is sort of understandable given the reputation of Nigerian scammers). Disappointed that we happily support causes that are local, but are blind to communities that have no chance of any local support – who’s only hope is with western privileged society.

So what constitutes a “worthy cause”? This is something we usually subconsciously process through our “paradigms” and biases – at worst with nothing more than an emotional offhand response, or perhaps with consideration to our priorities to other commitments (of course), or maybe even thinking that we can’t be of any real help because we could only give a few dollars. I guess there’s a lot of valid reasons, and a lot of really shitty reasons, and that’s something each of us have to work through – or not.

Whatever the issues around all this stuff, I’m just writing this to bring some awareness to how we respond to others in need – not only in other distant lands, but also to those right here with us. As I said, it’s not an attempt to guilt-trip, but an honest desire for us to genuinely assess what’s important.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 2 comments
WTF is a deconstructed Christian?

WTF is a deconstructed Christian?

“Deconstruction” is a big thing these days. And there seems to be a lot of confusion around what it really means. While it may be different for everyone, there’s a basic sort of process we tend to go through.

For LGBT+ people in particular, it can begin with questioning why the bible apparently seems to be so hard on us, especially given that it’s impossible to change who we are. This causes us to dig a bit deeper into what the bible says, and ends up with us realising that our interpretations and translations are the real problem.

For others, it can be some sort of abuse by church leaders, corruption, hypocrisy or any number of things that cause us to stop and think about what’s actually going on.

Ultimately, though, we begin to deconstruct when we question why we believe what we believe. We start asking difficult questions that we’d been ignoring, under the assumption that “God’s ways are higher than ours” so who are we to doubt God’s “word”? We can begin to question the integrity of our beliefs and how they realistically affect us and our relationships with others and the rest of the world.

Often, it involves simply looking at the rest of humanity and realising that no matter how hard we try, we will never “save” the world with our Christian beliefs. This in turn causes us to question the character of God – or at least, the God that we’ve been taught.

Some “deconstruct” to the point where they can feel comfortable with a more “liberal” form of Christianity, and live with a reasonable level of integrity, which could mean simplifying everything down to just “following Jesus”.

Some find that no mater how hard they try, Christianity in just about any form, is nothing more than the opinions of one particular culture from 2000 years ago. Many end up atheists.

But there’s also those who look for something “spiritual” that is more loving and inclusive. Something that embraces all people, no matter who they are, without conditions. Something, in fact, that looks more like love than Christian theology does!

Of course, there are some who completely deconstruct, and then re-construct Christianity in a way that works for them, that actually brings life and love.

It’s messy and everyone is different. Most importantly, it’s about asking questions and being completely fearless about where those questions may lead. It’s about recognising deep biases and conditioning, and being prepared to completely let go, knowing that truth, honesty and integrity will always allow us to find our way.

As for me – I totally deconstructed and walked away. It’s no longer in the slightest bit relevant to me. Yes, I had to work through religious abuse and the anger that brought. I now have my own beliefs, and can finally address Christianity in a way that isn’t destructive. But I will never go back there, simply because, once we have taken that step back, we see it for the mess that it really is. And is it really worth the effort to untangle that mess?

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 0 comments
HELP DESPERATELY NEEDED!

HELP DESPERATELY NEEDED!

I’m occasionally approached by LGBT+ people in African nations who are utterly desperate to escape.

They have been abused, assaulted, imprisoned, tortured and have nowhere left to turn.

There are LGBT+ support services around the continent, but they are incredibly limited in what they can do. Money is the main factor, but there is also the simple issue that they also put themselves in danger by helping.

Most of us are in western countries, and although we certainly have our fair share of abuse and difficulties, it pales in comparison to places like the African nations.

The main cause of suffering is religion. Even though it may come from a particular society and political regime, religion is still at the core of it. It’s so often been something I feel helpless about, and offering online support, although well meaning, and providing a certain sense of “you are not alone”, is basically useless. Mental health is the least of your problems when you may be tortured or murdered.

Right at this moment, I’m trying to help a guy who’s contacted me, on the edge of suicide, in Tanzania. He is desperate and fears for his life – right now! He’s been a vocal and visual advocate in his country and is paying the price dearly. He has to get out, and is looking for a way urgently. He’s been trying for two years, and although there are organisations who can help, they don’t have the funds or resources to help everyone. There’s just not enough to go around.

I’m going to do all I can for this guy in particular, and hopefully get enough funds to provide immediate help. He’s actually provided a detailed breakdown of every step needed to escape to Kenya, and then relocate as a refugee, and has support from people in Kenya to do this. The amount he needs isn’t even that much ($686US). If you feel like helping, let me know, or just donate through Silent Gays website.

But the big picture is that countless LGBT+ people need our help, instead of endless articles and news items on how tough it is over there. I’m looking for one or two organisations who have a presence on the ground there, to support and I’d appreciate any advice on the most effective ones.

Please – let’s do this before more suffer and die!

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 0 comments
Jesus or Paul…

Jesus or Paul…

As victims of religious abuse, we become rather sensitive to how the bible is used and how it’s verses/doctrines/concepts are thrown around.

Let’s face it – the bible is used as a weapon far more than a tool for spreading unconditional love. We need to break down what we are dealing with, however, to get to grips with the reality of the bible.

First up, as a general concept, Christianity is entirely based on the teachings of Paul rather than Jesus. There’s a few reasons for this but basically (generalisation of course) Paul’s writings predate the gospels, so they became the doctrinal and theological foundations of the church. It was Paul’s writings, and those that fitted his theology, that were finally declared to be the inspired words of God by the Roman church around 400CE, and all other texts that presented anything different were literally destroyed (we’ve rediscovered a few of these over the centuries). This means that our entire belief system is built on the writings of a man who never met Jesus, and built his theology on visions – hardly a basis for a valid religion (despite the fact that most religions are actually based on the visions of some individuals, but that’s another story). This is why I prefer to call it “Paulianity”.

To complicate things, around half of the writings attributed to Paul were actually written by other people – something that most biblical historians now agree on.

So how much can we really trust that Paul knew what Jesus was on about? Sure, Christianity, as Paul created it, has been the most successful religion on the planet, but that doesn’t mean it’s based on anything factual.

So getting back to Jesus…

It’s now generally agreed that the biblical gospels were written at least 70 years after Jesus was said to have lived, possibly longer. None of the writers were eyewitnesses, and the names ascribed to each one are arbitrary and definitely not any of the disciples, as tradition would have us believe. The truth is, we have no idea what Jesus actually said – none whatsoever!

For starters, explain how his sermons and long complex prayers, often in the dark of night and on his own, were transcribed (accurately, word for word) by a scribe who followed him around with pen and parchment! Didn’t happen, I’m afraid.

These accounts are fabricated, possibly based on oral traditions. We just don’t know.

So… the problem is that the gospels don’t line up with Paul’s writings, despite the best efforts of theologians who create complex twisted doctrines to hobble it together.

For those of us who’ve been subject to biblical abuse around LGBT+ issues, we have had to figure out how to interpret Paul’s writings in relation to the apparent words of Jesus, that seem to express unconditional love far more than Paul – despite chapters like 1 Corinthians 13. If the bible was clear-cut and unambiguous, we wouldn’t be faced with these issues. But given the actual history of the bible, we really have nothing more than assumptions.

So, in all honesty and integrity, how do we approach all this? What do we believe? Do we give Paul the benefit of the doubt (given that his religion has been so successful), or do we put our faith in the writings that depict a very different Jesus, but were written much later by unknown sources? I also realise that the scriptures used in Paul’s writings to vilify LGBT+ people are incorrectly interpreted and translated, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg!

I present this, not to undermine our faith as such, but to be realistic about what we believe and why we believe it. The entire topic of LGBT+ people was a completely different mindset 2000 years ago, that we are trying to understand through the many surviving texts from the various cultures of the time. The biblical writers did not comprehend the issue in the same way we do at all.

Many LGBT+ Christians end up with a far simpler and more liberal approach to their beliefs, often claiming that they now have a simple relationship with Jesus. This is fair enough, given the mess that “biblical” Christianity really is. But when we realise that the only records we have about Jesus aren’t written by anyone who knew him, and the fact that it was physically impossible to capture the words of Jesus accurately, let alone verbatim, we are left to take a serious look at exactly what this relationship with Jesus really is.

If we accept the reality of Christian history, it may seem heretical and even terrifying, but we then become free to look at the deeper principles hidden in the biblical texts, knowing that they are metaphors, stories and myths, and we are free to use them in ways that actually bring love and unity to ourselves and the rest of humanity.

 

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 2 comments
Masturbation!

Masturbation!

 

There, I said it!

MAS-TUR-BAY-SHUN

The big religious taboo!

It’s something most religions don’t talk about, unless some pastor gets brave enough to attempt biblical justification about why it’s so evil. And, usually, the gullible faithful swallow the botched biblical narrative presented by the only scripture that even comes close (pun intended).

We’re talking about Onan of course, who was the second son of Judah, slain by God as retribution for being “evil in the sight of the Lord” and disobeying a direct order from the Lord by being unwilling to father a child by his widowed sister-in-law, and “spilled his seed” on the ground.

Of course, the faithful fail to recognise that this text is NOT about masturbation. Rather, it’s all about God getting really pissed off when he pulls out of his sister-in-law before ejaculating, because of complex Levitical hereditary laws.

The truth is, masturbation is not mentioned anywhere in the bible – nowhere – zilch.

So why the big fuss? For some reason, European theologians decided it was completely disgusting in the 18th/19th centuries, and that mentality continued into most western cultures, and any other culture that was taken over by colonialism and infected with Christian missionaries.

Apart from that, masturbation has always been accepted as a normal/natural activity, especially as an alternative to getting someone pregnant. And yet it’s still something most “decent” people don’t want to talk about – perhaps because of the lingering effects of Victorian prudish attitudes, despite the fact that everyone does it.

Fortunately, medical/psychological professionals are united in extolling its benefits to all humans.

When kids hit puberty, there’s not a chance in hell you can stop them from enjoying this wonderful pastime (unless you happen to subscribe to toxic religious beliefs that you delight in inflicting on your children). So let them enjoy it. In fact, educate them about it!

It’s fun and healthy, so go for it!!

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 2 comments
Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

 

I’ve been a friend of Cody’s for a few years now, and stood alongside him through his extremely difficult journey of “coming out of religion”. Cody’s story is no ordinary one, however, and he has asked me to write and share it on his behalf.

Cody is a 50 year old trans man (assigned female at birth, identifies as male). He also has cerebral palsy (CP) and lives in an assisted living house with 24/7 care. He’s also adopted. His adoptive family are fundamentalist pentecostal Christians. He’s a survivor of sexual abuse, as a baby and on through childhood and as an adult. He suffered a range of physical and psychological abuses as a teenager in the care of Wilson Home in Auckland, and on into adult life. All of this created a “perfect storm” for serious mental health issues.

His journey, then, has been that of leaving abusive religion, facing a complete lack of love at any stage in his life, coming to terms with his gender identity, and finding who he really is, all exacerbated by his CP.

Although his adoptive parents had the best of intentions, and tirelessly provided for his physical wellbeing, they were incapable of providing him with the genuine, unconditional love he desperately needed as a young child and on through the rest of his life. The reasons for this are, of course, complex, but the most damaging has been the religious indoctrination present in the pentecostal church, which was echoed in his family life.

He was constantly made aware of his sinful nature, and as he grew he was pushed more and more to be “responsible” for sinful thoughts and actions in a way that constantly destroyed any sense of self-worth, which was pretty much non-existent from the start anyway.

He was sexually abused by an older adopted brother at the age of 12. His family did what they could to some extent, but much of the blame went on him and they eventually brushed it all under the carpet of family shame. This was the event that led them to placing him in full time care, to ostensibly give some space between him and his brother. His brother went on to be convicted of multiple rapes and has spent many years in prison.

This is just the tip of the iceberg though. Every aspect of his religious family upbringing dealt blow after blow of self loathing, inadequacy and failure, leading to behaviours that echo the desperate need for love that was never met – depression, anxiety, psychosis, self harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders… the fact that he’s survived this long is a testimony to his dogged resilience! But as you can imagine, the cost has been catastrophic.

He’s recently taken the massive step to walk away from church and renounce his faith, and to distance himself from his family. He’s decided that making a clean break is the only way to move forward. But this decision hasn’t come easily! To resist the indoctrination of a lifetime of fundamentalism, while still trying to maintain contact with the church community and friends, is impossible. Walking away from this, in reality, has taken a few years! So many attempts ended in giving in to the pressure, guilt and shame, returning to his abusers in a type of Stockholm Syndrome. The ongoing legacy of this religion will take time to unravel, as the layers of abuse are peeled away, but each layer removed allows love to enter.

So Cody is now free to start his life as a gay man! His dream is to begin physical transitioning, although he recognises the medical difficulties due to his disability.

His passion is to bring to light, the traumatic lives of LGBT+ people with disabilities – the complete lack of support in institutions, the ignorance of sexuality and gender issues within staff and clients, the bullying and shaming and the unwillingness of institutions to even acknowledge the sexual needs of those with disabilities in general. His other passion is helping those with Religious Trauma Syndrome.

You can join him on his journey on LinkedIn and Facebook

 

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments